A league in need of nicknames: The AFC East

Shutdown Corner

We're at an all-time low point for nicknames in sports. Most nicknames in sports today are some shortened form of a guy's name, like A-Rod or LT, or something equally uninspiring. We're not an uncreative society. We shouldn't have to live like this.

I'm of the opinion that the best nicknames are the kind that actually replace a man's first name. Ironhead Heyward. Crazy Legs Hirsch. Mercury Morris. Shutdown Corner will go around the league and give a player on each team one such nickname, or help popularize on that already exists, in the hopes that maybe 1 of the 32 will stick.

Today, the AFC East.

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Buffalo Bills.
Marshawn LynchBeast Mode Lynch. Marshawn was once asked to describe his attitude, and he replied with two words: Beast Mode. I think "beast mode" has some connections in the video game, comic, and rap worlds.

All I know about it is that it sounds pretty bad-ass, and there's no reason we can't all be admiring Beast Mode Lynch for the next 10 years.

Miami Dolphins.
Ronnie BrownDoo Doo Brown. I'm not entirely sure of the origins of "Doo Doo Brown," either, but I remember hearing it in a 2 Live Crew song when I was about 14. I'd link to the lyrics of the song, but I'd rather not get fired and/or burn in hell. I cannot believe I was listening to that at age 14. That probably explains quite a bit about me.

To me, there's something that sounds very cool about "Doo Doo Brown." It sounds smooth, and yes, a little bit fecal. I don't think that necessarily means it has to be a bad thing. I can envision some forward-thinking announcer yelling, "AND DOO DOO BROWN IS SPREADING THE STANK ALL OVER THE PATRIOTS DEFENSE!"

New England Patriots.
Laurence MaroneyKoolaid Maroney. Again, as with Beast Mode, this one already exists, as discovered on Maroney's incredible Facebook page (naughty language advisory).

I don't know what the nickname means to Maroney. It may have some deviant origin, or have something to do with his begul. Frankly, I don't need to know. I just know that "Koolaid" is an awesome nickname, and there's no reason that any announcer couldn't latch on to it and have it completely replace "Laurence."

New York Jets.
Kerry RhodesDusty Rhodes. The Jets safety might not appreciate getting a recycled nickname, especially one from a professional wrestler who once wore this, but he's currently stuck with a girl's first name, so I don't think he's in a position to complain. All he'd have to do is drop an elbow one time on an opponent he just tackled, and it was stick forever. It also wouldn't hurt if he started referring to himself as, "The American Dream."

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