"Coach, what's with this 'Far West Right Slot Baltar Cylon' stuff your son keeps talking about?" (AP)
If you want to get nothing done, have a meeting.
CSN Washington reports that Kyle Shanahan will visit Robert Griffin III a "couple times each week for the next several weeks" in Waco, Texas. Feel free to take sides on whom to feel more sorry for: RG3, who will be forced to hang out with his (likely) future employer constantly during his last few weeks of relative freedom, or Shanahan, who has to spend a month in Waco.
What could be going on during these meetings? First, an interpretation ripped straight from Donovan McNabb's imagination:
SHANAHAN: Muahahahaha! Now that I have you in my clutches, there is no escape. You will become a rollout passer who hands off constantly! I will take away any chance you have to use your athleticism or creativity!
RG3: No! No!
SHANAHAN: Yes! Yes! Here, eat these marshmallow bunnies. Then I will accuse you of being out of shape. Learn these 50 plays now. Too late! Now I can criticize you for not knowing the playbook.
That scenario is probably rather farfetched. This one is slightly more likely:
SHANAHAN: So yes, we will have you work on throwing in-routes to Pierre Garcon and getting your timing right on passes to our tight ends during the second week of camp, and then …
RG3: This is great, coach. But we went through it all in our last two meetings, and frankly, minicamp is still weeks away. Maybe you should go help scout some other prospects or something.
SHANAHAN: Oh, there are no other prospects. We traded our second round pick and our next two first round picks for you. You are it. So let's get to know each other better. Did you ever watch Battlestar Galactica ? I brought the first three seasons on Blu-Ray.
RG3: You know what, coach, I need to step into the hallway and make a call to … um … Britney Griner to congratulate her again for leading Baylor to the women's national championship.
Hello … Mr. Irsay? Hey, I'm sorry I turned down that invitation to work out for the Colts. Can we talk? These guys are a little … needy.
Okay, I am picking on the Redskins a bit. After all that they invested, they should be taking extra time to get to know their most coveted prospect. It's just hard to not giggle at a potential nightmare scenario.
Imagine Jim Irsay, one of the more unpredictable characters in the NFL, suddenly deciding to draft RG3. Or some team making Irsay an offer he cannot refuse. The Redskins would "settle" for Andrew Luck, who is one heck of a consolation prize, but Kyle Shanahan could then write a country song titled "Wasted Weeks in Waco."
Or — and let's give McNabb back a sliver of the dignity he has been hemorrhaging over the last few weeks by saying that it probably did take two to tango during his Redskins fallout — what if Shanahan decides on April 21st that he doesn't like RG3? ("Dad, he chews with his mouth open and his CD selection stinks"). The quick answers: 1) it doesn't matter, because the Redskins are taking him anyway, and 2) if personality conflicts are going to come up, it's better that they come up in April than August.
RG3 seems like a peach, and however bristly the Shanahans can be, they are certainly enamored of him. So let's not project any conflict into these meetings, just a little suffocating affection.
Kyle Shanahan can outline expectations for RG3, answer questions, go over playbook concepts, and talk about the rigors of life in the NFL. That should kill about two hours. That leaves several hours of meetings. Well, RG3 shouldn't be handed a playbook until he is officially a member of the Redskins, and he shouldn't do any live passing until he is on the team, and NFL rules say that they have to stay in the Waco area, so he cannot visit team headquarters, so … maybe they can just watch tape together.
Or maybe some Battlestar Galactica on Blu-Ray.
- Kyle Shanahan