Are you the type that can't enjoy football without large amounts of money riding on it? Does the Super Bowl depress you because you only have one game to gamble on, instead of 16? Did you see Owning Mahowny as an inspiring biopic about a courageous hero instead of a cautionary tale about greed and addiction? Are you willing to risk your child's long-term dental health on how strongly you feel about Eli Manning's ability to read a defense?
Then this post, my degenerate friend, is for you.
Here are just a handful of the goofy things on which you can gamble your family's future financial stability:
• What song will Tom Petty choose to end his halftime show? I like "Runnin' Down a Dream" at +140 ... nothing else really makes sense, given the atmosphere. "Last Dance with Mary Jane" simply is not going to happen. Not in a Super Bowl in which Ricky Williams isn't involved, anyway.
• You can bet on the combined rushing output of Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw in this Super Bowl, against the combined yardage of Ottis Anderson and Dave Meggett in Super Bowl XXV.
• There's the customary coin toss prop bet, heads or tails.
• The result of the game's first challenge is up for grabs, with it being overturned at +130, and the play standing at -160. I think the overturn is a solid play.
• I think this happened last year, too, but you can bet on the length of time it will take Jordin Sparks to complete the national anthem. 1:42 is the over/under.
• You can bet on the number of times that Joe Buck will mention the names Peyton Manning (over/under is 5½) and Archie Manning (over/under is 4½). I like the unders on both.
• This one's probably my favorite: You can bet on the color of liquid in which the head coach will be doused. Orange is at +125, after that, yellow and red sit at +300, with purple coming it an unlikely +1600. My pick here would be transparent at +400.
I think the wise route here is to exercise caution ... I once met a guy in a bar who told me that he tried to take out a mortgage on his house so he could bet it on the Bills in their 4th Super Bowl appearance ... some higher power intervened, though, and his paperwork didn't go through in time.
But hey, what do I know? Owning a house, to some people, might not mean nearly as much as the rush of sweating out the color of Gatorade Tom Coughlin or Bill Belichick get hit with. Knock yourselves out.
• The Most Ridiculous Super Bowl XLII Props / Vegas Watch
• Propping up the Super Bowl / O, by the Way
• Prop Bets - Player Props Bets / DocSports