I wasn't able to watch Chad Ochocinco(notes) perform last night on ABC's "Dancing With the Stars," because it was the last thing on earth I wanted to. So I got in touch with one of the few people I know who does watch the show. My brother, Luke. Here's his insight on Chad's performance.
MJD: You watched Chad Ochocinco on the dancing show last night, right?
MJD: How'd he do?
Luke: He was smooth, man. And funny. Most misunderstood person in sports. He told his partner, "Don't tell me good job if it wasn't good. I want to be perfect."
MJD: Well, you're an accomplished dancer yourself, and a veteran of watching the show. How good was he? Can he win?
Luke: He can win, although it'll be hard for him to beat Evan Lysacek or the girl from the Pussycat Dolls, Nicole Sherzinger. They are naturals, but Chad can do more because of his athleticism.
MJD: I have money on Ocho to win. I'm getting 12-to-1. How's that looking?
Luke: I'd take that.
MJD: I'm thinking of hiring someone to take a lead pipe to Lysacek's knee. Anyway, what would say are Chad's strengths and weaknesses as a dancer?
Luke: Strengths: athleticism, agility, strength, rhythm. Weaknesses: posture, some rigidity in motion.
MJD: Are you saying he needs to put a little more sex on it?
Luke: No, I wouldn't say that. Just needs to loosen up a bit.
MJD: A little more funk in his chicken. Some glide in his swivel.
MJD: How would you critique his outfit?
Luke: Oh ... smoove.
MJD: Yeah? Something you'd wear?
Luke: Of course.
MJD: Do you feel like your masculinity is threatened at all when you speak so knowledgeably in public about " Dancing With the Stars"?
Luke: No. Dancing is not unmasculine.
MJD: I know. I'm kidding. But do you also watch a lot of Lifetime movies?
MJD: My favorite is "Put Down the Icing Gun: The Gwendolyn Marshall Story," about how a woman's addiction to baking superhero-themed cakes threatened to tear apart her family.
Luke: Good for you, man. That's awesome.
MJD: Judith Light was delightful. Alright, last question. Chad's score of 18 out of 30. Fair? Too harsh?
Luke: It was fair, but it could've been a little higher. You can't just start at the top, you've got to work your way up, you know?
Below, judge for yourself.