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Can the Buffalo Bills be platonic friends with Toronto?

Shutdown Corner

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I hate to be a pessimist, but things don't sound too rosy for you right now, football fans of Buffalo. Your team's gotten permission to play an NFL regular season game in Toronto every year through 2012, and they've also got three preseason games scheduled there.

Worse than that, Bills owner Ralph Wilson won't guarantee the Bills will stay in Buffalo, and sounds like a lovestruck teenager everytime he talks about the city of Toronto.

Right now, the relationship between the city of Buffalo and the Bills organization feels a little bit like this:

City of Buffalo: I've noticed you've been spending a lot of time with that Toronto skank.

Bills Organization: Baby, that don't mean nothin'.

City of Buffalo: I don't know why you can't just stay home with me. I cook for you, I clean for you, and I support you, even though you break my heart.

Bills Organization: You know you're my baby, Buffalo. It's just that Toronto ... she understands me. She listens. She makes me feel good.

City of Buffalo: Have you touched her? Have you kissed her?

Bills Organization: Baby, no! Of course not! NO! Stop looking at me like that!

City of Buffalo: Is this about her money?

Bills Organization: I'm not even going to dignify myself with a response to that.

City of Buffalo: She has the clap, you know. She'll turn your junk green.

Bills Organization: The only junk-destroying disease I want to get comes from you, baby. And you know that.

City of Buffalo: Oh, Bills ... you know just what to say. Do you promise you'll stay with me forever?

Bills Organization: Baby, you have the prettiest blue eyes I've ever seen.

City of Buffalo: *swoon*

Bills Organization: You down for a little action right now, baby?

City of Buffalo: No, I have a headache. Maybe later. Hey, where are you going?

Bills Organization: I'm gonna see Toronto. But I don't want you to worry, baby girl, we're just friends, and you know you can trust your man.

City of Buffalo: Okay, I trust you. Bye, baby. I love you. And you love me, right?

Bills Organization: You sure do have pretty eyes, baby.

I'd like to hope for the best, but I think we all know that the Bills aren't heading to Toronto just to chat. A couple hours from now, the shades are going to be drawn, some money might exchange hands, and then it's time for the friction.

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