I'm sorry, but any time I can put "genitalia" in a headline, I'm going to do it. I am who I am. Don't judge me.
Here's the opening paragraph from Mary Kay Cabot's article in Tuesday's Cleveland Plain Dealer, in which Alex Mack(notes) levels the junk-grabbing accusations.
Alex Mack accused former Browns defensive lineman Shaun Smith Monday of foul play during the Chiefs game, specifically grabbing his genitals during a play near the end of the first half.
Added Mack, in the most hilarious thing anyone will say all year: "I don't think he should be able to do that."
You're right, friend. He shouldn't. And do you know why? Because in a civilized society, we do not express our anger by grabbing, squeezing or twisting each other's genitals. It's simply not polite. There are rules, Smokey.
As for Smith, he denies the charges, telling AP:
"I don't have no comment. I don't recall doing anything like that. I'm not known for being a dirty player or anything like that, so I don't know what that was all about."
What it's all about, my good man, was what we call a "bad" touch. Unauthorized contact to a fellow competitor's bathing suit area. I hope you're as innocent as you say you are, because there aren't many infractions in the NFL that should be taken more seriously than genital grabbing.
There was no penalty called on the play, but only because this guy was not around to call it.
Gracias, With Leather.