Bill Swerski: Alright, da Bears play in week one against da Colts on Sunday night. Da game's not until September, which gives da Bears plenty of time to fire that guy they got in charge now and rehire Ditka.
Todd O'Conner: Amen to dat.
Bill Swerski: So let's say da Bears hire Ditka back before dey play da Colts. Predictions, boys?
Carl Wollarski: Bears 63, Colts 4.
Pat Arnold: Bears 101, Colts 9.
Bill Swerski: Whoa, ya got da Colts scorin' 9 points, do ya? Is Urlacher hurt or somethin'?
Pat Arnold: I just think you gotta respect that Peyton Manning a little bit. The way he throws dat ball around, he's pretty darn good, y'know. He's like Jim McMahon, except he watches Will and Grace.
Bill Swerski: Okay, what if da Bears can't hire Ditka back, but what they can do is transplant Ditka's mustache on to da new guy. Predictions?
Todd O'Conner: At's a tough one, Bill. I say Bears with the Lovie-stache 31, Colts 7.
Pat Arnold: Ah, come on, Todd, have a little faith in the mustache, will ya? Everyone knows dat when a man grows a mustache, especially one as glorious as Ditka's, it's the physical equivalent to doing about 45 cycles of horse steroids and drinking 245 Red Bulls. You see this mustache on me right now? I bench press 725 pounds with it, 115 pounds when I shave it off. Bears with the Lovie-stache 65, Colts 3.
Carl Wollarski: Couldn't agree more with ya, Pat. I shaved one time because my wife said my mustache sliced her face up like a cheese grater, and it was the worst mistake I ever made. Without the stache, I could only eat 5 bratwursts in a single sitting. I grew it back, and now it's 27. So the wife has to hear a helmet when we play kissyface, what do I care? Bears 71, Colts 5.
Bill Swerski: Alright, I'm gonna change gears here for a minute, and lemme ask ya dis: What if da Bears cut every player on their team, and they took on da Colts with 45 of Ditka's mustaches. Scores, gentlemen?
Carl Wollarski: Are we talkin' Ditka's mustache now, or Ditka's mustache when he was coachin' da Bears? Cuz I think themustache has lost a step.
Todd O'Conner: Just a tiny little step.
Bill Swerski: We'll say Ditka's mustache from the glory days. 45 mustaches. Against da Colts. Scores, gentlemen?
Pat Arnold: I gotta go with the mustaches in a close one. 7-0. You eat some soup with Ditka's mustache, and it's gonna keep some of the noodles and carrots in da soup from gettin' to yer mouth, y'know? And in dat same way, it'll keep Peyton Manning and da Colts from gettin' in the endzone. Bears in a shutout.
Carl Wollarski: I think you underestimate da offensive firepower of the mustache. Hard to tackle, y'know. Low center of gravity. Mustaches 52, Colts 0.
Todd O'Conner: Bears in a forfeit. That Dungy guy shows up, sees 45 of the greatest mustaches ever, and he takes his team off da field in embarrassment because of his little girly mustache. Ditka's daughter's got a better mustache'n that guy.
- da Bears
- Pat Arnold