Two birds, one stone — solving Toronto's Chris Bosh problem

Trey Kerby
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Chris Bosh and the Toronto Raptors are not best friends. Nowadays they're more like the kind of friends who don't live that close to each other, but catch up with e-mails and maybe a phone call every once in a while, even though they never really hang out anymore. It's a flawless metaphor because Chris Bosh probably still likes the Raptors, but there's just not the same spark. And since he's going to be on the market this summer, that's kinda like a big deal.

Like any team with a big-time free agent, the Raptors don't want to lose Chris Bosh for nothing. Ergo, if it becomes clear that Bosh is leaving, they'll be looking for a sign-and-trade partner. According to Marc Stein at TrueHoop, that partner could be the Houston Rockets, who have a ton of pieces for sale.

The Rockets' No. 1 free-agent target? Sources say it's still Bosh, who earlier this season said the idea of playing in his hometown of Dallas holds limited appeal ... but hasn't said anything to suggest that he wouldn't play somewhere else in his home state.

If the Raptors and Bosh reach the expected conclusion that it's time for an amicable divorce, Houston has amassed an enticing cache of sign-and-trade assets. One source, offering one small example, says that the Raptors are intrigued by young forward Jordan Hill, whom the Rockets extracted from the Knicks in the Tracy McGrady three-way deal in February.

Makes sense to me. No sense in losing your franchise cornerstone for nothing. However, I'm guessing Toronto would rather not lose Bosh in the first place. And that's why I've devised this foolproof plan to help these teams get what they want.

It requires a radical procedure that involves grafting each other's face onto their heads. It's only been performed two other times in history, but there have been very few side effects for either Nicolas Cage or John Travolta. Here's a dramatization of my solution:

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Problem solved. The Raptors get to keep Bosh, and the Rockets get their own Chris Bosh, who will be just a little bit worse than when he was one of the NBA's best. Call it the Tracy McGrady Effect, and I don't think anyone will catch on.

All we have to do now is teach Jordan Hill to shoot left-handed. Someone get LeBron on the phone.