For the past several years, LeBron James has been tied to the movie "Ballers," a delightful-sounding romp about a group of friends who learn about life in the most unlikely place of all: a fantasy camp for basketball fans. It's been delayed quite a few times, though, likely because LeBron's popularity dips with each successive summer. No studio wants to finance a movie that won't make much money, and the only people who'll pay for a LeBron vehicle these days are bored bloggers looking for material during the lockout.
Kevin Durant is extremely popular, though, both because he's very good at basketball and most assuredly not the kind of person who would embarrass an entire franchise during a national TV free-agency special. So he is planning on starring in a movie, too. Except we have absolutely zero details on it besides its likely shooting locations. From Darnell Mayberry in The Oklahoman:
The film, which has a basketball subplot, has not yet been named, but it's scheduled to go into production in mid-September, according to sources. Filming location for the feature-length picture has been narrowed to Oklahoma City and Baton Rouge, La.
Trey Kerby has already written and photoshopped the definitive piece on this news, so please check it out if you're a fan of comedy. I do, however, think that his focus on remakes and sequels is somewhat limiting. I would like to suggest the following plot for this film.
The year is 2050. Basketball has been outlawed by a popular politipreacher (Rutger Hauer) who preys on the fear of a populace fixated on the looming threat of intergalactic space worms. A bright-eyed young man named Nobody materializes in a nuclear-ravaged New York (as played by Oklahoma City) with a round leather object. The local townspeople wonder where he came from and try to challenge him to a match of Chinese checkers. (This game is the only form of recreation allowed in Future New York. Don't worry, it will be explained in a pre-credits info dump a la David Lynch's "Dune.") Durant throws his makeshift basketball off the head of a gang leader (Vin Diesel as himself). Diesel then forces Durant to throw his basketball through a ratty tire 10 times in a row (an homage to "Escape from LA").
Durant succeeds, duh. Everyone asks him how he is so good at this hastily constructed challenge. He explains that it's a sport called "basketball." Over the course of a two-minute montage, he teaches everyone in Future New York how to play the game.
Cut to a generic boardroom. Rutger Hauer hears about the basketball game and vows to suppress the revolt before it begins. He sends a group of soldiers to Vin Diesel's part of town. Vin Diesel and Durant team up to defeat them. Rutger Hauer is ashamed and retires from ruling Earth. Then the intergalactic space worms land. Just when it seems they are going to kill everyone, Durant shoots another basket. The space worms explain that they have a similar game called "Ujpakimor." Instead of killing all the humans, they just play a lot of basketball with them. All because Kevin Durant is such a nice guy.
The entire movie will be around 30 minutes long. Let me know if you are interested, Kevin.
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- Rutger Hauer
- Kevin Durant