Fantasy Football 2014:

Ball Don't Lie

Gerald Wallace gets recruited by the FBI

Eric Freeman
Ball Don't Lie

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In a league of athletic fowards, Portland's Gerald Wallace is perhaps the most fearless. Despite a history of concussions and various injuries, Wallace continually sacrifices his body for rebounds, points and loose balls. He plays with reckless abandon, and it's earned him the fitting nickname of "Crash."

But perhaps Wallace's skills and commitment to the cause are better served in another area of life. Like, say, while working for the government. Because the FBI recruited him at a recent Blazers practice. From Andrea Flatley at KTPV FOX 12 (via Tickle the Wire and Shoals):

The FBI's website says they aren't hiring right now, but that didn't stop the Portland branch from encouraging Trail Blazer Gerald Wallace from applying.

When the 6 foot 7 inch forward got to the Rose City, he mentioned he'd like to join the FBI when he gets done in the NBA. So, five agents took in practice this week and encouraged the Alabama native to keep the bureau in mind.

Special agent in charge Art Balizan, assistant special agent in charge Alan Peters, public affairs specialist Beth Anne Steele and retired Portland FBI agents Bob Hanis and Dick Bittner gave Wallace an official FBI hat, sweatshirt and honorary badge. [...]

To qualify as a special agent, an applicant must be a U.S. citizen, between 23 and 37 years old, have a four-year college degree and at least three years of professional work experience.

Wallace left the University of Alabama after one season, and, as far as I know, has not returned to complete his degree. However, as I learned from the groundbreaking film "Point Break," former athletes can quite easily become FBI agents who team up with Gary Busey to stop shamanic bank-robbing surfers and also fall in love with Lori Petty in the process. This is your future, Gerald, and I couldn't be happier for you.

In all honesty, this is probably a marketing ploy by the FBI, in the sense that it wants the general public -- and especially the fine people of Portland -- to know it has a sense of humor and it isn't just shadowy government bureaucrats who tap your phones because you voted for Ralph Nader. It's a curious move, considering Wallace doesn't currently meet its hiring guidelines, but it's also a nice bit of fun.

So don't be surprised if Gerald Wallace kicks in your door some day, domestic evildoers. He treats cases like defense, and always gets his man.

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League type:
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League size:
10 players
Draft time:
Aug 26 9:00 am
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