Create-a-Caption: ‘Sorry, Ray Allen — it’s a no, I’m afraid’

Listen, Ray Allen, no one's mad at you for auditioning for "The X-Factor." It's a highly anticipated competition that is probably somehow not "American Idol", and the winner gets a $5 million prize, which would be pretty great for you to have because, well, "Meh." It's a low-risk, potentially-high-reward move. Very savvy. Very business-y. Very Ray Allen-y.

Now, choosing to sing "Wonderful Christmastime," on the other hand? Very ass-y. If there's one thing that Simon Cowell hates more than shirts that offer nipple modesty, it's kitty-litter-jingle-sounding holiday tunes. Everyone knows that. You blew it, man.

Best caption wins a far, far better Paul McCartney song (that would still be a terrible choice to sing for Paula Abdul and Nicole Scherzinger). Good luck.

In our last adventure: Rudy Fernandez is a real magician with the ball. No, seriously. The dude knows the dark arts. He is like a Hogwarts-level warlock.

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Winner, Akb24b: Just when you thought it couldn't be done, Rudy Fernandez finds yet another way of shooting a three-pointer.

Runner-up, Thanatos: +1 Assist

+1 Fabulous Pose

NOTE: I choose to believe that this is a role-playing game joke.

Second runner-up, AlfredY: "Finally, a team that agreed to my single contractual demand: no defense. You see, people of Portland, I am much better when we play my way, as I have said all along."