Listen up, Lionel Hollins. I'm not trying to tell you how to do your day job as the head coach of the NBA's Memphis Grizzlies, but I am trying to give you a head's up on how to do your night job as an evil genius hell-bent on world domination. Let's do this, sandwich-style.
First off, you're doing a great job of rubbing your beard as you watch your fiendish plot come together. You've come a long way there, and it's obvious to everyone. Really good stuff on that score.
Now, that said, I'm concerned about your broad, bright smiling, because it can mean one of two things. Either A) you're so excited about the devious delights your army of Zach Randolph(notes) robots have in store for all who dare oppose you that you can't help but beam, even before all phases of your plan are set in motion and the endgame is ensured, B) you're not really consumed by the kind of raging inferno of pure evil that you said you were in your job application. If it's the former, you really need to take a deep breath and tighten up when you're out in public; if it's the latter, well, we'll need to have a different sort of conversation when it's time for your annual review, won't we, Lionel?
And to wrap it up, nice job playing Rudy Gay(notes) 41 minutes per game in the first year of a five-year, $82 million deal. I like the evil creativity you're showing there. Keep thinking outside the box!
Best caption wins one free evil lesson (not redeemable with other irredeemable offers). Good luck.
In our last adventure: Donte Greene is ... losing ... his ... grip!
Runner-up, a: The worst finger roll of all time.
Second runner-up, Fonix: "Is that John Candy?"
- Lionel Hollins