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Ball Don't Lie

Chris Webber fires up the telestrator, analyzes the heck out of the ‘Ice Cream Couple’ (Video)

Dan Devine
Ball Don't Lie

With all due respect to fans of the Indiana Pacers and Orlando Magic, there really wasn't a whole lot that was exciting about the first half of their Tuesday night game at Bankers Life Fieldhouse. The two teams combined to shoot 27.7 percent from the floor in the first quarter and 36.6 percent in the second; after halftime, Paul George would at least throw in some ridiculous nonsense to generate a few oohs and aahs, but before intermission, the main talking points were, "Tyler Hansbrough works really hard for rebounds" and "Boy, Orlando really is bad enough to be down double-digits to a Pacers team that looks straight-up awful."

Saddled with the task of chatting about the action, the NBA TV broadcast crew of Vince Cellini, Chris Webber and Isiah Thomas just sort of nibbled around the edges, but Webber found himself transfixed by a clip broadcast on FOX Sports Indiana of a male fan enjoying an ice cream cone and declining to let the young lady to his right have some. Apparently, not even a much more fun matchup between the Oklahoma City Thunder and Denver Nuggets could commandeer C-Webb's attention ... so during halftime of OKC-Denver, he busted out the telestrator and began to break down the interaction of the "Ice Cream Couple."

It was amazing.

[Also: LeBron James and company gun for 24 wins in a row]

"Let me just show you guys what's going on," Webber began. "Look, here's the ice cream. Now look at this guy. This is Ice Cream Guy. He's very focused. He's very focused on the game right there. But look ... now, look, he's really focused. He's like, 'This ice cream is really good. I asked her if she wanted some when I went up.' So he's like, 'Hold up, quit playing around.'

"Now look at her. All you guys know: When your woman closes her eyes and squints at you, you're in trouble. She's looking at him like, 'Seriously? Oh, seriously? Fine. It's like that? Are you — are you?' Now look at it — stop right there. Now that there, she's going, 'Oh, no, you didn't.' That's what she's doing, and that's the look her girlfriends are going to say, 'We saw you on TV and he made you look real mean and stuff.' And just look at him. He's just nonchalant. He's just playing it off."

Of course he is. You don't get to a million beard hairs and no mustache hairs without being able to remain cool in adverse situations.

Four main takeaways here, for me:

1. Dear Decision-Makers on NBA Television Productions/Broadcast: More Chris Webber, please.

2. Also, pretty please: More Chris Webber with telestrator functionality. He's not quite Mike Fratello just yet, but he could be a Czar in training. Maybe like an Archduke of the Telestrator.

3. Well-timed and well-placed Eddie Murphy drop, Isiah Thomas! When you're not crushing the dreams of an entire NBA fan base, you're a pretty good egg.

4. Hey, everyone? Share your ice cream. It's like my favorite since-departed social-media community of all-time used to say: "When in doubt, share it out." Especially when it could be the difference between a happy ride home and a miserable one. (And, now that this is going all over the Internet, probably a rough day or two on the home front.)

[Also: Chris Paul visited Lil Wayne during hospital stay]

Oh, also, the Pacers beat the Magic by a lot, so no ice cream for Jacque Vaughn's group. (None for the coach, either, after getting ejected for the first time in his coaching career.)

And, because people love it when Charles Barkley is inserted into things, here is Charles Barkley as Ice Cream Guy.

Great work, everyone.

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