C-a-C Past Lives: Charles Barkley reads between the lines

Dan Devine
July 24, 2012

Gotta get back in time ... Welcome back, friends, to Create-a-Caption Past Lives. Not entirely sure what exactly we're doing here? Take a look at our maiden voyage to get your sea legs under you.

"No one will be able to tell it's not real," the salesman said. But the salesman didn't know you'd be standing in front of a guy six inches taller than you who was able to read ... wait, is that a warning label? Why does it say "Caution: This is not a safety protective device" AND "Do not use near fire, flame or sparks" on it?

You need to get that thing off your head pronto, stripes. And maybe thank Sir Charles when you're done. Remember: Bald is beautiful.

Best caption wins the "definitive oracle" of the worst toupee in show business. Good luck.

In our last adventure: CP3 takes evasive action.

Winner, Mojo: Federico Kammerichs remains in serious but stable condition following last night's brutal crossover attack by Chris Paul.

Runner-up, Ben: FIBA is seriously considering a crackdown on "the hypotenuse," a new form of flopping that measures wingspan.

Second runner-up, Weston: Your dad tries real hard, but can't keep up with those youngsters from the U.S.

NOTE: Nice try, Weston, but we all know that there's just one "Your Dad" in these here Internets. However, because I enjoyed the work of the mid-'90s Pennsylvania rock outfit that shares your name, you win third prize. Congratulations: You are on the positive side of my capricious judging!