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Ball Don't Lie

C-a-C: This lockout has robbed us of Rudy Fernandez’s telekinesis

Dan Devine
Ball Don't Lie

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Well, now you've really done it, NBA. I mean, it's bad enough that the lockout has already cost us free agency, Summer League, MUSCLE WATCH and basically all of the Denver Nuggets. Now we've also lost Rudy Fernandez, late of the Portland Trail Blazers and recently of the Dallas Mavericks (well, actually, "theoretically of the Dallas Mavericks," since he's still never suited up for Rick Carlisle), to Spanish club Real Madrid.

This would be a problem in any year, as Rudy is an intriguing dude to have in the league — a mixture of explosiveness, marksmanship, surliness and scruffitude who is in equal measures delightful and maddening, but almost always entertaining. It is especially problematic this year, however, because Fernandez's long-latent mutant abilities have manifested themselves, and he has developed the power to move objects with his thoughts. (This is probably why Mark Cuban and Donnie Nelson sought Fernandez out after the season; rumors have long persisted that Roland Beech and his crew have been developing an advanced-stats version of Cerebro. This will likely be a panel topic at the next MIT Sloan Sports Analytics Conference.)

He's still harnessing this newfound talent, but he broke it out sparingly while playing for the Spanish national team in the recent Eurobasket tournament, and now, we won't get to see it. This lockout has robbed us of Rudy Fernandez's telekinesis. We are all poorer for this lockout, vis a vis telekinesis. Such a shame.

What sweet nothings do you think Rudy is mind-whispering to the ball to make sure it travels safely into the hands of Marc Gasol? Best caption wins some really helpful telekinesis tips and tricks to help you get on Rudy's level. Good luck.

In our last adventure: No face is more laden with excitement than Kyle Lowry's face. Kyle Lowry's Face Over Everything (KLFOE).

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Winner, Lamachine: Kyle Lowry: "Then Coach said, 'We're shipping [Aaron Brooks] out,' and I was like, 'LAAAAHHHD, thank you!'"

Runner-up, azv321: Jared Dudley: "Kyle, I'm so glad you're also excited Eddie Murphy is hosting the Oscars! Let me see your Mrs. Klump impression!"

Lowry: "Hercules! Hercules!"

Dudley: "Yeah, that's the ticket."

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