Nicolas Batum tries to stop the clock, amongst other things

People do ridiculous things when they're angry. Michael Nesmith punched a wall. Pat Riley kicked a cooler. Michael Richards used some career-ending language, the dweeb from Green Day yelled something about Justin Bieber, and This Moronic Author may or may not have crashed a guy's forehead into a marble bar-top when, were it not for my combatant's uneasiness due to drink and a series of surrounding friends who held him back from me after the crash, he probably would have destroyed both me and my vintage blazer.

Nicolas Batum? In a game that was broadcast worldwide in a setting designed to promote goodwill and sound sportsmanship between nations? He punched a dude in the junk. Former Memphis Grizzly and current Spanish team floater-maestro Juan Carlos Navarro's junk, to be exact. All because Batum's outfit from France was behind during a very frustrating 2012 Olympic turn, and Batum needed to foul Navarro to stop the clock.

A few months on, and Nicolas is more than a little regretful over his actions. In an interview that sounds far more in line with the Batum we've known as an NBA comer since he joined the Portland Trail Blazers in 2008, he discussed his misstep. From the Trail Blazer website, via Blazer's Edge:

"I just left London like the next day, went back to my house and got some rest, saw my family and try to see something else," said Batum. "I went on vacation to Greece, spent ten days in Greece, refreshed my mind, see something else."

See something else. While I assume that's not exactly what Nic was trying to say, it perfectly describes what he needed to do after an eventful summer that unfortunately concluded with Batum committing a now infamous foul on Juan Carlos Navarro at the end of France's 66-59 loss to Spain in the men's basketball quarterfinals at the 2012 Summer Olympics.

"What I'm mad about is what I showed to people about myself, what I showed about the game, about France, everything," said Batum. "I feel bad about it because that's not me. I'm human. I lost it. I just lost it.

MarShon Brooks should probably be closer to the front of the line. (Getty Images)

No, MarShon Brooks, we know that normally you line up in the back because you're the tallest kid. But right now, we need you to line up in the front. It's reverse size order. ... Why are we doing it? Because it's the start of the school year, and we need to both shake things up and make sure you know that we can just kind of make you do stuff, because we're teachers. SURPRISE! POP QUIZ! No, just kidding. You're outside. That'd be really weird to do. But we still technically could. See what I'm saying?

For real, though, please unhand Phillip. Then, move to the front of the line. Thanks, MarShon!

Best caption wins a Nets-themed piggy bank in which to store your lunch money (not really). Good luck.

In our last adventure: Antonio Daniels can't get enough of those Thundersticks, which is a sentence that would work really well if you sang it to the tune of the old "Golden Crisp" jingle.

We've long known of JaVale McGee's love for the Segway, ever since he first ... um ... drove? rode? wheeled? one through a McDonald's drive-thru way back in the summer of 20-dickety-10. Shortly after his move from the Washington Wizards to the Denver Nuggets at the NBA's March trade deadline, the enigmatic center started crowdsourcing Denver-area Segway solutions in the hope of once again being reunited with his preferred means of conveyance.

Just last week, we learned he'd been successful and is now happily two-wheeling his way around the Mile High City. And now, thanks to the intrepid team of production geniuses behind the Nuggets' YouTube channel, we know that JaVale really does ride the Segway to work. Behold:

Not necessarily the most exciting place JaVale could have Segway'd next, but probably the most reasonable.

In the days before we could immediately hit Twitter to mock his miserable play, or construct YouTube mixes highlighting his lethargic work off the ball, Vince Carter's 2004-05 season was an underrated gem of team-killing selfishness. Upset at his role on a rebuilding team with no clear plan, with a frustrating 2003-04 season only resulting in the lottery selection of 24-year-old Rafael Araujo and hiring of hard-line coach Sam Mitchell, Carter sulked and sleepwalked through his 20 games as a Raptor before the Raptors sent him to New Jersey in a trade.

And not before, according to then-Raptors teammate Jalen Rose, Carter and Sam Mitchell got into a tussle that resulted in VC slamming the coach to the floor after an extended bout of needling. Watch the clip, from Grantland:

The depth behind Jalen's details goes into areas so deep that even a Geiger Counter would have a hard time documenting the resulting spirals.

Dwyane Wade's been all kinds of busy in the weeks before Miami Heat training camp starts, traveling across the country making myriad public appearances (Hasselhoff-related and otherwise) to promote "A Father First: How My Life Became Bigger Than Basketball," the just-released book in which Wade discusses how the challenges he faced growing up in Chicago and on his rise to stardom have helped shape his philosophy on raising his own family. Wade's weeks-long media tour has included a number of book signings, including one held Saturday afternoon at famed Washington, D.C., bookstore Politics & Prose.

Several local news covered the event, including D.C. ABC affiliate WJLA-TV, whose anchor ... um ... editorialized, just a tad, following some general comments from Wade about why he wanted to share his experiences with readers.

"That is Dwyane Wade, the overrated NBA star, uh, who was in town for a book signing," the anchor whoopsed.

First off: We are not sure which anchor from the WJLA talent roster was in the big chair for the weekend broadcast — we'd love to know, if you do — but he probably regrets (to some degree) the hilariously blatant lapse in professionalism. You can tell by the laugh that immediately follows his "overrated" comment and that expert segment-closing gaffe-cover ("He aight") that he knew he'd goofed something fierce.

Second, and most obviously: C'mon, son.

George Karl wonders if Andre Miller wants to stick around for a bit, work on some slide drills (Getty Images)

Fifteen NBA head coaches spoke at length with NBA.com's Steve Aschburner recently, and that's a significant amount to pull in during the slowest point in the offseason. Fifteen coaches, on record, without the benefit of a hectic NBA schedule bringing a new team (and new coach) into a writer's NBA arena of choice every  couple of days. That sort of benefit, apparently, is the only one we can see being created by the NBA's hectic schedule. Save for making more and more money, it seems, for everyone involved from the top of the skyboxes to the helpers in the parking garage, and all those cagers in between.

This is why George Karl's ideas for a better NBA, in the most popular pull from Aschburner's work so far, will never happen. Unless, of course, the NBA decided to lockout its players in a pointless maneuver created to save certain owners from themselves a few months before the next offseason hits and the owners initiate a series of moves bent to circumvent the "help me, we're broke" rules the NBA put into place. George Karl doesn't exactly want a lockout-styled season, he told NBA.com, but he wouldn't mind a shortened term. From Aschburner's piece:

"I'm sure Commissioner Stern won't like this, but I think the product would be better if we shortened the season. When we start playing in late October, the people are thinking football. If you could just get us less fatigue [in a shorter season], I think you'd have a better product. When they started on Christmas Day, I thought, 'This is not a bad idea. This should be the start of NBA basketball ... Maybe start Dec. 1 and play 62 games, whatever number they'd come to."

Commissioner David Stern doesn't like anyone saying anything short of documenting ascending ratings and the latest NBA Cares project his players just took part in. He's certainly not going to like a famous NBA coach more or less writing off the first two months of the NBA's season (including training camp and exhibition time) as football's foothold, but that's what Karl just did.

This video dropped late Friday, but we're breaking the news to you now so that you can (i)Phone your friends and tell them about how a basketball player's test drive of his new smartphone went awry. Some of you might Yelp when you see a device that costs between $199 and $399 (or more without a contract) being dribbled, shot and dunked by New York Knicks guard Iman Shumpert, but I bet your (Insta)grampa will love it. As soon as he sees Shumpert begin maneuvering the phone like he is some sort of Palm Pilot, Gramps probably won't need an Apple Maps that everyone hates to figure out where this video is going.

In conclusion: Fruit Ninja.

(In actual, factual basketball news, Shumpert — who walked without a limp during a public appearance Saturday after several months of rehabilitation following May surgery to repair a torn anterior cruciate ligament in his left knee — could be back on the court for the Knicks as soon as December, according to Nate Taylor of The New York Times.)

Video via

Roger Mason Jr. steps up his menswear game (Joe Scarnici/ WireImage).

At this point, most of the NBA is on Twitter. It's a wild world of training updates, questions as to which movies they should go see, and explanations of their Call of Duty prowess. Every so often, though, you also get a picture into the more interesting aspects of NBA life. This feature is your window into that world.

Hassan Whiteside: Man I can really say some mean things sometime smh

Roger Mason Jr.: 14 percent tax on over 13 Million...smh. That's crazy!#stepyourtaxgameup

Donte Greene: Wats up wit this space shuttle?

David Robinson: I finally have enough twitter followers that my sons can stop making fun of me. I can retire now! #thankseveryone

Jeff Green: My prayers go out to @Channing_Frye hope everything is okay and he can get out on that court healthy ASAP

You can also follow Eric Freeman on Twitter at @freemaneric.