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From the Marbles

Warped Wednesday: Juan Pablo Montoya as ‘The Bachelor’

Nick Bromberg
From The Marbles

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This man sparks fear in jet dryers. (Getty)

Welcome to Warped Wednesday. On this, we'll put out the rush to judgment mat, go a little too far and have a little fun. Will it be funny? Sometimes. Will it be crazy and largely unbelievable? Probably. Will not everyone get it? Definitely. That means this isn't real, because in real life, Juan Pablo Montoya is happily married with three children.

With the announcement that Juan Pablo is the newest contestant on 'The Bachelor,' Warped Wednesday has gotten exclusive confirmation from the gossip magazine of your choice that Juan Pablo Montoya was under close consideration for the opening before the producers of the show decided that soccer had more female appeal than NASCAR did.

However, thanks to those sources, Warped Wednesday was able to acquire a copy of the script if our Juan Pablo would have won the candidacy. It's below.

Episode 1: Juan Pablo meets all of the women, who go through a lengthy NASCAR inspection process. Seven women are put on the five minute clock, which means they must participate in a last-chance heat race to become one of the 43 participants.

Episode 2: Two of the women who were selected as the "randoms" in the post-episode 1 inspection process fail inspection. They are eliminated from the show. This becomes known as Bachelor and Parking. They immediately win a date with Joe Nemechek.

Episode 3: The first Bachelor field trip involves a trip to Talladega. 20 women are eliminated in "The Big One."

Episode 4: It's back-to-back field trips, and the first five women to find the Depends at Target win immediate roses. The last five are eliminated. There are now 16 participants on the lead lap.

Episode 5: The drama is ratcheted up a notch as the woman who many believe to be the early favorite, confesses her love for Wal-Mart as she and Juan Pablo sit on the beach with the waves lapping up to their feet. This is a dealbreaker. She is eliminated with "engine failure."

Episode 6: It's time for a Jamie "Zoolander" McMurray fashion show. Two women fall for McMurray's Blue Steel gaze and fly away with him into the night on his Cessna.

Episode 7: Juan Pablo takes the remaining baker's dozen on a field trip to Sonoma, where they sample wine and visit the track where he won his first NASCAR Sprint Cup Series race. One woman is forced to withdraw from the show after she suffers injuries falling off of pit wall.

Episodes 8 and 9: The turning point of the season happens when Juan Pablo takes the contestants vying for his affection to Chip Ganassi's IndyCar shop to show them his Indianapolis 500 trophy. The goal of the task is to see which woman will correctly identify the Borg-Warner trophy first, however, five women immediately faint at the sight of Dario Franchitti's luscious locks. Another two only want to know about Ashley Judd. All seven of them are eliminated.

Episode 10: Juan Pablo introduces the five women that are left to Kyle Larson. One storms off and quits the show, erroneously believing that Larson is Juan Pablo's son.

Episode 11: The four women are off to a Miami vacation with Juan Pablo, where they race RC cars, ride roller coasters and play golf. One woman throws up on the roller coaster. She's eliminated. Danica Patrick joins the show as the friend to get to know each of the remaining four women. That really doesn't accomplish much.

Episode 12: There are now three women left, but none of them were able to correctly identify the Borg-Warner trophy. This leads to a very melancholy episode where Montoya flies around the country asking Ganassi, McMurray and Scott Dixon what he should do. The unanimous answer? Follow the bulls eye. Juan Pablo then treats each woman to a serene jet-dryer campfire, where the smell of jet fuel permeates the air like love.

Episode 13: It's the final episode. Who should Juan Pablo choose? He takes each woman on teary walks along Lake Norman, where each woman does her best to convince him that she's the one. On the final walk, you can tell that Juan Pablo is feeling conflicted, until woman #3 tells him she has a secret to share. They stop, and she shows him the small bulls eye tattoo on her wrist that's been covered up by bracelets during filming. This is the bulls eye that Dixon, Ganassi and McMurray were talking about. It's true. She's the one.

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