Welcome to the latest Happy Hour mailbag! You know how these work: You write us with your best rant/ joke/one-liner at firstname.lastname@example.org (note new address) or on Twitter at @jaybusbee, we respond to your messages, everyone goes away with a smile on their face.
So on Tuesday, I got caught in a 90-minute dead-stop traffic jam caused by a 20-car pileup on a highway near Atlanta. (Here's a brief news account.) And as I drove past the Talladega-esque wreckage, cars twisted into unrecognizable shapes and people sitting on the ground, shaken by the experience (thankfully, no serious injuries), I only had one thought: this was probably Vickers' fault. Also, no word on who got the Lucky Dog.
Now, to your letters. Last week, your assignment was to devise some new victory celebrations in the vein of Carl Edwards' flip. And oh, did you respond. Away we go...
Matt Kenseth would just fold his arms and yawn after a victory.
After winning a race, Jimmie Johnson could eat some vanilla ice cream because he is Mr. Vanilla.
— Dave Blakely
Simple. Effective. This is the vanilla ice cream of jokes.
If Brian Vickers ever wins again, he can wreck the other 42 cars during his victory lap.
— Daniel Biggins
• Joey Logano - Wait in his car for his Dad to get there and tell him what to do.
• Juan Pablo Montoya - Overcook his drive into Victory Circle taking out all of the equipment onstage and tell everyone it wasn't his fault that the equipment pinched down on him and left him no room.
• Any MWR driver - Go straight to their garage, close all the doors/block all view of the car, pretending their is a fire to distract everyone. Make the car legal, then go to victory circle.
• Danica Patrick - Now, I'm sure their wouldn't be a lot of complaints if she decided to moon all of her competitors, but NASCAR is family-oriented. So she hands out pacifiers to all the whiners.
— Dan Boren
Bay City, Texas
• Jeff Gordon - Gotta break dance now... think of the head spin with a polished helmet on!
• Tony Stewart - Fires his crew chief
• Denny Hamlin - Fires his crew chief and claims he thought of it first
• Dale Earnhardt Jr. - Tells NASCAR thanks for the 87 lucky dogs that mysteriously took place in the race
— Tim Palmer
• Joey Logano - Cups his hands on his face a la Home Alone
• Danica Patrick - busts out the little guillotine to even further emasculate the other drivers.
Home of the #17
...and finally, this one wins for the sheer absurdity of several of these...
• Brad Keselowski - The Robot
• Denny Hamlin - Shrug it off, put a brick on the throttle and walk towards pit road
• Ryan Newman - Take a stray dog and throw it into the grandstands
• Kurt Busch - Give a bird to Kyle Busch fans
• Kyle Busch - Give a bird to Kurt Busch fans
• Kasey Kahne - The Worm
• Greg Biffle - Take a Pancake and start eating it
• Paul Menard - Jump out the car and mutter one simple word: "Dad." Then start crying
• Martin Truex Jr.- Run as hard as you can into the car, see how much damage that you can make
• David Ragan - MOON WALK
• Regan Smith - Start singing your favorite "Grease" number
• Jamie McMurray - Start bawling
• Bobby Labonte - Start painting your car green, with a red 18 on the side, then start praying for JGR
• David Gilliland - Faint because you can't believe it
— Liam Morast
Ann Arbor, Mich.
Yes, drivers slinging puppies into the crowd, eating pancakes and working out their daddy issues. Do you get this kind of angle on the sport on ESPN or NASCAR.com? Hell no, you don't.
All right, on to the next topic ... and hey, it's Kurt Busch! Imagine that!
Yes, there's an opening now at Penske for 'Urt's' seat. But instead of the usual suspects who lost rides this year, Penske had great success pulling Brad Keselowski out of another organization who was ready, but for whom there was no room at the inn at Hendrick Motorsports. My money's on one of the up and comers in Nationwide, or Elliot Sadler, who's marketable and arguably was unfairly shuffled out of Sprint a few years ago.
— Jeff "Sarge" Smith
Keselowski totally altered the Penske dynamic based on his success. I have to wonder if Penske would have been so quick to kick Kurt to the kurb if Keselowski had finished around 20th. Now, Penske can do exactly as you said, letting Keselowski be the top dog and bringing in a promising newcomer or perhaps a one-more-chance cat like Sadler. Of course, if the rumors are true, there might be another guy looking for a ride. "Kes and the Dinger" sounds like the worst morning radio show ever, but could make for a hell of a driver tandem.
I am not a Dale Jr. fan per se, but I like the guy based on what I perceive as absolute genuineness. One thing that irritates me is that there is a nation of people out there that constantly like to bring him down due his inability to compete for a championship. People need to chill out.
Junior has been in "the show" for 10 years and in those 10 years, 2 drivers have won 8 of the championships. That leaves a lot of other people in the same garage as Junior ... So take some time, breathe deeply and say "serenity now." Everyone that enjoys NASCAR needs to also enjoy the fact that Junior is still active and racing. There will come a time when his persona is no longer on the scene and people like him don't come along every day.
— Jeff Morehouse
South San Francisco, Calif.
I agree with all of the above, but I honestly have nothing new to say about Junior today. Do you? I didn't think so. Aside: anybody ever see the movie "Serenity" or the TV show it was based on, "Firefly"? Good stuff. Here's the trailer.
New assignment: YouTube clips. Find us some good ones. Things that we can embed on a public website like this one. We'll run one a week till the season starts. Funny, scary, ridiculous, dramatic, whatever. Does not need to be NASCAR-related. Go.
We close with this emphatic manifesto:
I'm old-fashioned; growing up in Talladega I have always been an avid fan. I had decided several years ago when they finally decided to allow a female to drive that I was done. Did I mention I am a female as well? It's a man's sport, let's leave it that way. I wanted to make a few suggestions.
• Bring back the girls in bikinis in the Winner's Circle. The fire suits have got to go, who wants to see a chick in a cover up? (And I am happily married to a man.) I'll do it if they will let me!
• Have a fan of the day. Go out into the crowd during the 10 hours of pre-race intro and talk to some of the fans. Get more involved with the people, the main reason that NASCAR is still running.
• Please, for the love of the series, take the stupid windows down in the pits so we can have more interaction. To push things to get signed through a bankers window is very demeaning. Who wants to pay for a pit pass to have their picture taken with glass? Not me.
• When the drivers are getting carted around the track to wave a their fans, why do they have to be interviewed at the same time that they are supposed to be acknowledging the very fans/humans that pay to go see them?
• If they are going to be drivers, why do they also have to be commentators after the race? (could I be talking about "pretty boy" Edwards?)
• If you are going to sit, bitch and complain about everything under the sun about what is wrong with your car, and never is it your fault, why do you still get praised? (umm ... Stewart?)
• Have a race where the driver gets an old body style car, gets it fixed up and races, something fun to spice the season up.
• And please, please, please, no chick drivers, it's a man's sport, leave it that way.
• Last but not least, take out the radio frequencies, except between the driver and his crew chief, it is no one's business what they say behind the scenes, that takes so much of the fun out of it.
Let's bring back the racing we used to love, when it was fun!
Sweet mother of mercy, I think I'm in love. And I'm probably not the only one.
And on that note, we're out. Thanks to all our writers this week. You want in? Fire up the computer and hit us with whatever's on your mind, NASCAR-wise, at email@example.com. You can find Yahoo! Sports' NASCAR coverage on Facebook right here, and you can follow me on Twitter at @jaybusbee and on Facebook here. Make sure to tell us where you're from. We'll make you famous!