Where in the world is Brian Wilson?

Mike Oz
March 5, 2013

Surely you remember Brian Wilson, right? The guy with the beard. No, not that guy with the beard. The guy before him. The "Fear the Beard" guy.

No one would blame you too much if you forgot. He missed almost all of last season after an April elbow injury required Tommy John surgery. He's been replaced as the San Francisco Giants' closer, baseball's resident weirdo and its favorite beard.

Wilson is a free agent now, but thus far, no one has bit. He's a 30-year-old with two Tommy Johns on his medical chart. The Mets were rumored to be interested at one point. There's also said to be mild interest from the Giants again.

But Henry Schulman of the San Francisco Chronicle says no one knows where Wilson is. "It's like he's fallen off the face of the earth," a Giants source told Schulman.

Which of course begs the question: Where in the world is Brian Wilson?

As odd as Wilson is, nothing would surprise us. He could be sitting at home creating a Pinterest page or camping out waiting for this year's Burning Man. Being the sleuths that we are at The Stew, here are a few guesses.

* * *

He's a lost hitchhiker. Wilson attempted to hitchhike to the Florida spring training camps, but no one would pick him up because he brought The Machine along with him.

* * *

He shaved and is playing for Netherlands in the World Baseball Classic. Nobody recognized him without that crazy beard. He assumed the identity of Tom Stuifbergen and plans to become the King of Honkbal.

* * *

He broke bad. Sidetracked in New Mexico, Wilson met a high-school chemistry teacher recently diagnosed with cancer and the two of them went into umm, business, together.

* * *

He joined the Beach Boys. Wilson got a call intended for the other Brian Wilson, the one from the Beach Boys, and just rolled with it. He's currently learning songs for a summer tour.

* * *

He got a Hollywood gig. Wilson was hired as Jason Bateman's stunt double in "Identity Thief." He shaved for the role and is now pursuing further options in Hollywood, including a recurring role on "Two Broke Girls."

* * *

He's been watching World Baseball Classic games in Japan. Yes, he was one of the 17 people there.

* * *

OH SNAP!: Turns out TMZ found Wilson — because of course they did. He's looking like a full-on homeless person right now with an ever shaggier beard and a stained T-shirt. Just look at him. If that image doesn't say "Please, give this man a job!" then frankly, what does?

Spring training is here. Stretch out with us.
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