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The Cleveland Indians will win the World Series if these five things happen

Mike Oz
Big League Stew
MLB: Cleveland Indians at Kansas City Royals
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If the Indians won the World Series, everyone in Cleveland would be as pumped as Yan Gomes. (USA Today)

It's September. Divisions are up for grabs, wild card races are wild and half of MLB still has a chance at the playoffs. Over the next two weeks, we'll plan out how 16 contenders could win the World Series, "could" being the operative word. Some plans will be more absurd than others.

Team: Cleveland Indians

Record: 70-66

Status: The Indians made the postseason last year, but in 2014 they've mostly been a third-place team. They've had spurts of good play — like the month of August when they were 18-9 — and spurts of meh. As of current, the Indians are 5 1/2 games back in the AL Central and five back in the wild card. Either way they go, the Indians have a good amount of ground to make up in the season's final month.

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The whole city of Cleveland needs rally mustaches like Lonnie Chisenhall (AP)

The whole city of Cleveland needs rally mustaches like Lonnie Chisenhall (AP)

THE INDIANS WILL WIN THE WORLD SERIES IF THESE FIVE THINGS HAPPEN

1. Johnny Clipboard isn't doing much for the Browns right now, so give him a chance to rekindle his love for baseball and put an Indians jersey on him. Convince LeBron James everybody in Cleveland will LOOOOOVE him if he hits cleanup for the Indians. They both show Mike Trout-level talent. With LeBron's thirst for championships and Manziel's ability to do ridiculous things you never expect, the Indians become the best baseball team ever. (What are you rolling your eyes at? That's totally realistic).

2. Nobody in Cleveland ever shaves again. No one. Not a soul. The Indians' "rally mustaches" helped the team have a great August, but this is Cleveland sports we're talking about. They need more than facial-hair good luck. They need to reverse years of bad juju. Only a citywide no-shave sacrifice has that much power.

3. They trade Parkman to Chicago. Get into a team fight. Get hot. Activate Dorn. Win a big game on the final day of the season. Make Vaughn turn back into the "Wild Thing." Finally, they come together in the postseason and find success.

4. They let their bullpen pitch all their games. Cleveland's starting pitching ERA ranks ninth-worst in baseball. Their relievers' ERA, meanwhile, is fifth-best in MLB. Time for a switcheroo. Although, they should let Corey Kluber continue to pitch every fifth day. He's pretty good.

5. Injured first baseman Nick Swisher, the broiest bro in Brohio, activates his secret superbro powers and drains the bro mojo of every team the Indians play. They'd all be limp, powerless masses of human flesh. All the wins would belong to Cleveland.

PREVIOUSLY IN THIS SERIES: The Miami Marlins

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Mike Oz is an editor for Big League Stew on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him at mikeozstew@yahoo.com or follow him on Twitter!

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