President-elect Barack Obama began preparing for the transition into the Oval Office well before Tuesday's election. With a majority in Congress and no less than 52 percent of the electorate supporting him, Obama plans to repair the economy, win the war against terror and remake the country's health care system. Obama, a Chicago resident, also has a secret pet project — to ensure his favorite baseball team becomes the most powerful in the world.
Rather than waiting for Inauguration Day or Opening Day, when the South Siders have invited Obama to throw out the first pitch, Big League Stew now presents the first 10 executive orders Obama plans to enact in aid of his favorite pork barrel project, the Chicago White Sox:
9. Threatening MLB with revocation of anti-trust protection, forcing owners to change the rules so A.J. Pierzynski can do whatever he wants.
8. Increasing flexibility with the DH, finally allowing Sox to use Paul Konerko, Jim Thome, Ken Griffey, Frank Thomas, Harold Baines, Carl Everett, Albert Belle, Lyle Mouton, Julio Franco, George Bell, Bo Jackson, Greg Luzinski and Oscar Gamble in the lineup at the same time with none of them having to play defense.
7. Divisional realignment, shifting Pirates, Nationals and ‘62 Mets into AL Central.
6. Foreclosing on the rat's nest known as Wrigley Field.
5. Applying planned middle-class tax cut to, well, everyone in the White Sox organization no matter how high his income.
4. Top free agents will be snapped up by Sox for league minimum simply by general manager Ken Williams pointing and yelling "dibs!"
3. Allocate federal funding to turn U.S. Cellular Field grandstand so it faces Chicago's sensational skyline instead of where the public housing projects used to be.
2. In exchange for initiating dialogue with Venezuela president and fellow countryman Hugo Chavez, manager Ozzie Guillen is granted eyes-only clearance to CIA scouting reports on the American League.
1. Complimentary use of Air Force One for all road trips!