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'Report': Jays' GM confirms there never really was a 'Roy Halladay'

David Brown
Big League Stew

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OK, it's a report in "The Onion," the nation's premier satirical newspaper, which makes up stories and passes them off as the day's events. It's for laughs. And yet, leave it to T. Herman Zweibel's rag to distill the Halladay Fiasco down to its molecules.

You see, Jays' general manager J.P. Ricciardi has a perfectly reasonable (fake) explanation for what happened. Or didn't happen.

From the Onion:

"We developed, by which I mean made up, a really good pitcher here, one of the best in baseball," said Ricciardi, who compared Halladay to a young and real Bob Gibson. "No one made an offer that came close to what Roy — who as far as they knew was a living, breathing baseball player — was worth. We went into negotiations looking for a made-up power bat, or at least two pretend arms that we could slide right into the rotation. I would have even accepted one existent major-league player.

"The best the Phillies could come up with was Kyle Drabek and a prospect to be fabricated later. You're going to have to do better than that if you want Roy Halladay(notes)."

The explanation of how the Blue Jays "created" Halladay might be even better. It includes the assertion that Halladay was simply an "amalgam of statistics compiled by Juan Guzman, Pat Hentgen, Woody Williams(notes), Esteban Loaiza(notes), Josh Towers(notes), Gustavo Chacin(notes) and other assorted Blue Jays pitchers through the years."

Further, "Roy" is Ricciardi's uncle's name. And the face of Toronto's baseball franchise? The UPS guy.

Serious ROFLcatz, to put it into modern terms.

In other linkage, Jon Heyman of S.I wonders (or at least the headline does) how much longer Ricciardi can stay employed after failing to put the squeeze on Halladay's suitors.

J.P. could always get a job answering the phone at Moe's Tavern.

"I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss."

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