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    Big League Stew

    MLB statement on Ryan Braun given ‘Star Wars’ scroll treatment

    By David Brown | Big League Stew – Sat, Feb 25, 2012 10:57 AM EST

    Not that long ago in a spring training baseball stadium far, far away from Wisconsin, slugger Ryan Braun expressed vindication after his appeal of a 50-game drug suspension was upheld. The Milwaukee Brewers probably felt like the Ewoks after Lando blew up Death Star II in "Return of the Jedi" — they were so happy not to lose their best player for nearly one-third of the season. "Ayyyyyeeeeee-gah!" went Kameron Loe (and LaTroy Hawkins from far away).

    Using that theme, The Force obviously was with Twitter resident @FauxFrankWren when he transformed the subsequent Major League Baseball statement on Braun into the opening credits from "Star Wars."

    Behold, the genius:

    Impressive. Most impressive.

    Not only does MLB have an Imperial way about it in general, but arbitrator Shyam Das has a great name for the Jedi knight — as if George Lucas himself suggested it to Das' parents, Boot and Raycess Das.

    Other elements of MLB's statement also (here's the original) lend themselves to Lucas exposition:

    • "The Joint Drug Prevention and Treatment Program." The only thing it's missing is touches such as an all-caps "DEATH STAR."

    "THE JOINT DRUG PREVENTION AND TREATMENT PROGRAM."

    And then words such as "Clubs" are oddly capitalized, like "Galactic Empire" in the Star Wars scroll.

    • The narrative tone is very desperate in both. In the movie, "It is a period of civil war" and Princess Leia is racing home aboard her starship, "custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy..."

    In MLB's world, the obligations of the drug testing program are "essential to the integrity of our game," and it "vehemently disagrees with the decision rendered today by arbitrator Shyam Diaz."

    What will happen now? Tune in for the next episode!

    Spring Training has arrived! Follow Dave on Twitter — @AnswerDave — and engage The Stew on Facebook for your fill of Grapefruit and Cactus!

     

    14 comments

    • christian
      christian  •  2 months ago
      "And then words such as "Clubs" are oddly capitalized, like "Galactic Empire" in the Star Wars scroll."

      How is it odd that Galactic Empire is capitalized? If it were the Holy Roman Empire, or the British Empire or other such historical references it would be capitalized in the same manner.
    • Mr. Indianapolis Colts
      Mr. Indianapolis Colts  •  Indianapolis, Indiana  •  2 months ago
      If protocol isn't followed, he can't be found guilty. It's as simple as that.
      • ㅤ
        ㅤ 2 months ago
        If the spit just sits, you have to acquit!
    • mr baseball 20000
      mr baseball 20000  •  2 months ago
      Baseball keeps screwing up good fortune with this continuing steroid nonsense,even after the buzz of last years playoffs.Way to go MLB.
    • rbbrittain
      rbbrittain  •  2 months ago
      Hey, it's better than "guilty until proven innocent", which seems to be the modus operandi of the Olympics' WADA (and why IMO "anti-doping" is an oxymoronic joke invented by elitists who don't want other people stealing "their" medals).
    • DX4LIFE
      DX4LIFE  •  Overland Park, Kansas  •  2 months ago
      if this guy is innocent then bonds, mcguire, sosa, palmeiro are innocent enough said!!!!
    • Brian C
      Brian C  •  New York, New York  •  2 months ago
      His sample was missing for two days, who knows what happened with it. His tests were three times higher than Manny's when he tested positive, something will come out that the sample was sitting out on the collector's counter for two days or something ridiculous like that.
    • Michael
      Michael  •  Denver, Colorado  •  2 months ago
      Braun is a cheat. This is just like a criminal confessing and then getting off because they were not Mirandized, getting off on a technicality, rather than, because he didn’t do it. I mean he is essentially accusing the collector or someone of tampering. Let us not forget that his sample tested positive for elevated testosterone in his A and B sample with a hint of synthetic testosterone in both. Not to mention that the custody tape that seals the lid to the bottle showed no signs of being tampered with. I know how this can all be cleared up though……Hey Braun how about voluntarily submitting another sample for testing to prove you are “innocent” wink… wink… like you claim. That would clear all of this up but we all know that won’t happen.
      • Tim
        Tim 2 months ago
        HE DID SUBMIT ANOTHER SAMPLE as soon as the test came back positive. A test in which he passed. He also requested a DNA test in order to prove that the urine in the initial was not his. Why don't you do a little fact checking before you act like you know what happened??? And we do not know if the tape or the seal was broken or not. We don't even know if it was submitted into a sealed cup like you claim to know. There are reports many conflicting reports out there. One even suggesting that it was in a tupperware container on the collectors desk for 44 hours. Nobody in the general public knows those facts yet, as was supposed to be a confidential matter, so why don't you wait for the Das' written statement before you jump to conclusions.
      • Michael
        Michael 2 months ago
        As a former collector for the US Military I know this…there are corresponding numbers on the tape that seals the lid to the bottle, that seals the bottles in the bag, and seals the bag inside of the collection box which are all verified by the person giving the sample prior to each being sealed. All have at match the paperwork signed by the person giving the sample. If any of those tapes are broken or the numbers do not match that sample is invalid and that sample would not be tested. The 44 hour delay with the sample stored in a dark cool place in a Tupperware container could not and did not create a false positive so the delay in submitting the sample was Braun’s only defense and that is the argument that he won? It is just so ironic to me how MLB players cry foul when they get caught. Lastly, he did not request a DNA test he said he would take one. He has the money…..all he has to do is go take one; he doesn’t need anyone’s permission. I guess he can say whatever he wants to now. He doesn’t have to prove it.
    • Persak
      Persak  •  Burlington, Wisconsin  •  2 months ago
      U GUYS R GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
    • JimTheThird
      JimTheThird  •  2 months ago
      So what if he has better numbers this year? Dude has passed 25 drug tests in his career. When did the doping start and when does it end? Do you know, do I? Did it even start? I can't judge this guy right now. If he is such a cheater, surely he will be caught again. Then we can hang him from the highest tree. If not, then we will have to admit he either a) took it during the playoffs to get over the top, learned his lesson, got lucky and stopped messing with his legacy or b) his sample was tampered with. Now is not the time to judge this guy.
      • Michael
        Michael 2 months ago
        Barry Bond had 24 drug test between 2000-2006 with no positive test. There wasn't any mention of a positive test until the BALCO investigation which the Feds claimed they have. The current drug policy didn't go into affect until the spring 2006. So I guess the three positive test the feds say they have on Bonds from 2000 and 2001 don't count because it was before the current policy. Another technicality.
    • Wood Bats
      Wood Bats  •  Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania  •  2 months ago
      "Return of the Herpes, 3D" at a ballbark near you...
    • Persak
      Persak  •  Burlington, Wisconsin  •  2 months ago
      I agree 100%. And cuz he didnt do this. If baseball is so stupid that they have to hire a part time guy to do urine tests they have a serious problem. Why was it left on a desk for 44 hours? People just cant understand that braun beat the system. Anyway i just cant wait for opening day this year to see the brew crew kick STL #$%$
    • Persak
      Persak  •  Burlington, Wisconsin  •  2 months ago
      Everyone just drop this stupid #$%$ i am a Brewer fan and i know from all of the facts that he did not do this, lets move on, play baseball and get another division crown. At the end of the day all that matters is that hes playing from day 1. PERIOD!!!!
      • DX4LIFE
        DX4LIFE 2 months ago
        no duh #$%$!! without him you guys are A's of the NL central!!
    • ㅤ
      ㅤ  •  2 months ago
      You'll laugh, you'll cry and you'll keep coming back for more.

      b/c that's modern baseball folks!
    • DX4LIFE
      DX4LIFE  •  Overland Park, Kansas  •  2 months ago
      I cant wait to see the face of all the idiots that believe he is innocent, when he is old and retired then admits to using steroids!!! He is in his prime so there is no reason why his numbers should decrease anything less than the numbers he put up last year would mean he did use steroids period!!!!!
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