Big League Stew

Funny Moneyball: The sensuality of baseball scouting terms, as read by comedian Rob Delaney

David Brown
Big League Stew

This Youtube video of comedian Rob Delaney reading baseball scouting terms and commenting on their inherent sensuality (even sexuality in some cases) is not safe for work and should be watched by kids under parental supervision only. (There, that'll stop 'em!)

A friend of Delaney's relayed to him an article in Harper's Magazine from 2004 that notes scouting terms and phrases from the Major League Baseball draft of that year. But it's typical language. If you've seen the movie "Moneyball," or read the book or just heard about it, perhaps you remember the part where Billy Beane says to his staff something to the effect of, "We're not selling jeans. We're supposed to be drafting baseball players."

Well, based on the unintentionally hilarious words scouts use to describe the players they study, I'm not so sure. Delaney, who isn't that famous outside of Twitter and the stand-up circuit but might be someday, also isn't sure what the scouts are getting at. Here are some gems:

“Physical specimen.”

“Body maxed.”

“Raw-boned physique.”

“Chiseled. Supple.”

C'mon! That's not in there! "Supple."

“Developed upper-half, tapers to a defined waist, tapers to long, strong legs.”

“Muscular thighs. Long extremities.”

“Big forearms, soft hands.”

“Long fingers, high hands.”

“High-waisted. High pockets. High rear.”

OK, "Fifty Shades of Grey," can we take it down a notch?

“Baby faced.”

“Country boy build.”

“Good-looking athlete.”

Because, like Delaney says, being good-looking is relevant. Then come the animal comparisons:

“Tall, lean, grayhound-like body.”

“Racehorse-type body.”

“Durable workhorse.”

“Physically, a horse.”

“A horse.”

(It should be noted that Alex Rodriguez was drafted in 1993, so they're not talking about him or the centaur he rode in on. And they're also describing Jack Morris in another way by using "horse," but his career was long over by '04. Back to the animals):

“Strong as an ox.”

“Strong like a bull.”

“Bulldog competitor.”

“Bulldog type.”

“Bulldog look.”

“A man, physically.”

Can you imagine if a team tried to draft someone from a species other than man? It would be like the football team that signed the donkey to kick field goals. Regardless, it's good to see the scouts went full-circle from man, to beast, and back to man. Now, this is where it gets a little weird:

“Fervent in hit approach.”

“Slight toilet-seat hitting approach.”

“Good feel for wood.”

“One-hand finish.”

“Does it easy.”

Wow. Who else needs to towel off?

Big BLS H/N: Buzzfeed

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