Again, this is not a joke.
The unintentional comedy will surely follow, but before Pacino simply starts rehashing his lines from Any Given Sunday — a stunning number of them would carry over — he might want to review his fine body of work for other famous lines that might also apply in a Lasorda portrayal.
Actually, let's give him a head start with some lines — either doctored or in their original form — we'd like to see him recite while preparing for his role by sippin' Slimfast and wearing a Dodger uniform-clad fatsuit. For maximum effect, say these lines aloud in your best impression of Al Pacino. Feel free to add your suggestions in the comments below.
* * *Pacino Lasorda doing Tony Montana from Scarface:
On Reggie Jackson: "You tell your guys in Miami. Your friends. It'd be a pleasure. I kill a Yankee for fun. But for a green card, I gonna carve him up real nice."
To the Phillie Phanatic: "I'm Tommy Lasorda! You mess with me, you messin' with the best!"
To Jack Clark: "Okay! You wannna play rough? Okay! Come say hello to my little friend. Niedenfuer, get in there!"
To Giants fans: "And don't be callin' me no blankin' dishwasher, or I'll kick you blankin' monkey butts!"
To Steve Howe: "Chi Chi, get the yeyo."
* * *Pacino Lasorda doing Frank Slade in Scent of a Woman
On the last days of Yankee Stadium: "If I were the man I was five years ago, I'd take a FLAMETHROWER to this place!"
On dinner: "Spaghetti! What can you say? Who made it? God must have been a flippin' genius. The angel hair... They say angel hair is everything, you know. Have you ever buried your nose in a mountain of pasta... just wanted to go to sleep forever? Or wine... and when your lips touched it, yours were like... that first swallow of merlot... after you just crossed the desert. Meatballs. Hoo-ah! Big ones, little ones, minced veal staring right out at ya, like secret searchlights. Mmm. Garlic bread. I don't care if it's cheesy sticks... or burnt baguettes. What's between 'em... passport to heaven. I need a drink. Yes, Mr. Sax, there's only two syllables in this whole wide world worth hearing: ‘Dinner.' Hah! Are you listenin' to me, son? I'm givin' ya pearls here."
* * *Pacino Lasorda doing Michael Corleone of The Godfather
On baseball economics: "My father made him an offer he couldn't refuse. ... Scott Boras held a gun to O'Malley's head, and my father assured him that either his signature or his brains would be on the release."
On advising Frank McCourt on the upcoming Manny Ramirez negotiations: "I'll make him an offer he can't refuse. You see, Frank, we feel that entertainment is going to be a big factor in drawing baseball fans into Dodger Stadium. We're hoping that he'll sign a contract agreeing to appear 150 times a year. Perhaps convince some of his friends from Boston to do the same. We're counting on him, that Manny."
On his greatest rivalry: "There are many things my father taught me here in this room. He taught me: keep your friends close, but the Giants closer."
On taking the freeway to Dodger Stadium: "Don't waste my mother******* time!"
On pitching to a slugger with first base open: "That's exactly what they're gonna do, they're gonna walk. This is my operation, I have tactical command that supercedes your rank, they will walk away and you will let them."
On Reggie Jackson's 3-HR game in the '77 World Series: "I told you, when we hooked up, baby, that you were gonna have to share me with all the bad people and all the ugly events on this planet."
On Morganna the Kissing Bandit: "'Cause she's got a great ass! And you got your head all the way up it!"
On dealing with Vin Scully: "You know, we are sitting here, you and I, like a couple of regular fellas. You do what you do, and I do what I gotta do. And now that we've been face to face, if I'm there and I gotta put you away, I won't like it. But I tell you, if it's between you and some poor bastard whose wife you're gonna turn into a widow, brother, you are going down."
- Al Pacino
- Tommy Lasorda