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Carlos Zambrano's Top 10 excuses for missing scheduled MRI

Big League Stew

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From the home office in Santa Monica., here are the top 10 excuses Cubs right-hander Carlos Zambrano might have offered for missing a scheduled MRI on his possibly ailing right arm:

10. Had to rush to Xcel Center in St. Paul for Gov. Sarah Palin's speech at Republican National Convention. "Rudy wouldn't hold our seats forever. And me and Blanco wanted to hear what the lady has to say."

9. Took the advice of authorities to an extreme and evacuated as a precaution against the remnants of Hurricane Gustav, which hit Chicago early Thursday.

8. A bilingual speaker with solid English skills, Zambrano still got "totally mixed-up" because "MRI" in Spanish is "IRM."

7. Had to get home in time for cable guy. "It's been out for, like, two weeks. I'm behind on 'The Hills,' man."

6. Bribed little-used right-hander Michael Wuertz to stand in for him at "MRI place" but dope went to the wrong address. "I made a note to 'Z': Get Samardzija next time. He'll know what I mean. He went to Notre Dame."

5. Believed MRI from June was "good enough."

4. Had conflicting appointment to compete against 6-year-old nephew in "Guitar Hero" contest.

3. Said Chuck Norris touched his arm and made it better.

2. Refused to miss real-time text from brother in Venezuela concerning critical off-season news of Real Madrid soccer. "MRI machine is always messing with my bars."

1. Five words: Attending physician Dr. Michael Barrett.

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