(The Agency)
Maybe where you come from isn't all that great. But you can change that, and all you need to do is purchase the mansion in Beverly Hills that Barry Bonds has put on the market for $25 million. Close the deal, and you'll be rollin' like a celebrity.
In the wake of what must have been deep disappointment at missing election for the Hall of Fame a week ago (right, Barry?), the all-time home run king in Major League Baseball is selling his 17,100-square foot Tuscan villa in the coveted Beverly Park hood. Fully furnished, too. Bonds bought it in 2002 for $8.7 million. Real estate bubble my Uncle Victor Conte!
How to describe this place? Opulence. It has it.
Described on the official listing as serving "equally to entertain heads of state, host charitable events or just be at home with family," this must have been the property's most relevant feature to Bonds:
A hand-painted wall mural depicting the rolling hills of Tuscany, along with the surrounding limestone columns and Venetian plaster/specialty glazed faux-finished walls, truly lend to the feeling of being sequestered in an Italian Mansion.
Sequestered, eh? When you're under the threat of house arrest, this is the only way to go about your life. It includes seven bedrooms and 13 bathrooms (for ease of drug testing), a gym, game room, 12-seat home theater, music room, wine room, pool cabana, sports court, steam/sauna, hydrotherapy jacuzzi tub room, Swedish full-body shower therapy room, a trophy and awards display room, along with an elevator to get you to the second floor. And it has a maid's quarters.
Well, at $25 million — for the guy who wore uniform No. 25 — he might have to be patient. No problem there. Bonds also is the all-time leader in bases on balls.
And now ... a photo barrage:
(The Agency)
Nice foyer. "Can Mr. Bonds come out and play catch?"
* * *
(The Agency)
This is just the indoor kitchen. The outdoor kitchen is even cooler, including "a pizza oven, BBQ/rotisserie grill, deep fryer, wet bar and outdoor refrigerator/ice maker."
* * *
(The Agency)
The room that looks least like a major league ballplayer has lived here. Can't imagine Barry chowing down on a footlong grinder in here.
* * *
(The Agency)
Hey, who's selling this house? A seven-time MVP or one of the Gabor sisters?
* * *
(The Agency)
If you look closely, you'll notice that Barry Bonds has a bidet.
* * *
(The Agency)
"Something Swedish is about to happen in this here bathroom, Uncle Jed."
* * *
(The Agency)
This is a closet. A walk-in closet. One that appears to have a walk-in closet inside of it. Coolest room in the house, unless ...
* * *
(The Agency)
... What the office lacks in elephant tusk, it tries to make up for in bull horn and sabers (Not SABR). Hugh Hefner says OK.
* * *
(The Agency)
Time Crisis IV! All of this comes with, remember! I sure hope that's Q-Bert on the right.
* * *
(The Agency)
Forget the Italian villa motif, the movie theater definitely was influenced by Caesar's Palace in Vegas.
* * *
(The Agency)
The rug really ties the room together, does it not?
* * *
(The Agency)
This is the music room, even though that was a grand piano in the previous room. At first I thought the photo on the wall was AT&T Park and/or the China Basin area of San Francisco, but I don't know. Have you seen any indication that a baseball player has lived here? Maybe the pool table. "Stick and a ball, ain't it?" as Will Clark would say.
* * *
(The Agency)
Is that a TV between two aquariums, or are the aquariums also TVs? Note the Christmas tree, no doubt painstakingly decorated by Bonds himself.
* * *
(The Agency)
Same room, just pulled back in order to see the polar bear sitting on the chair.
* * *
(The Agency)
I don't know what this is, but it scares me. Can we just go?
* * *
(The Agency)
OK. Perhaps the most historically relevant room in the house, given recent history. It's really not a lot of workout equipment and, given Bonds' smaller stature in the years since he retired in 2007, that makes sense.
* * *
(The Agency)
Finally, we're getting some air outside. Good party space right here. But can you see Barry Bonds EVER throwing a party?
* * *
(The Agency)
This really sells the back yard. Good place to hang out and count money.
* * *
(The Agency)
A cement pond! This reminds me of that scene in "The Secret of My Success" where Michael J. Fox is seduced by his aunt, Rachel Phelps, owner of the Cleveland Indians.
* * *
(The Agency)
* * *
(The Agency)
Very disappointing. It's not even a full-court setup for Bonds, for either tennis or basketball. I can't believe he cut corners here.
* * *
(The Agency)
Lots of meticulously trimmed hedges. A Georgia football game could be played back here.
* * *
(The Agency)
Quality olive trees that only the Godfather — Willie Mays — truly would appreciate.
* * *
(The Agency)
Now that you've seen his crib, get out.
Big BLS H/N: The Wall Street Journal
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