The American Mustache Institute is fed up with the Boston Red Sox and their beards

Mike Oz
October 25, 2013

You know Boston Red Sox and their beards have gone too far when a group that celebrates facial hair wants Boston's beardmania to cease.

The American Mustache Institute, citing "beardism trademark infringement," sent a cease and desist letter to Red Sox general counsel Ed Weiss. Among other things, the letter claims that the Red Sox's marketing of their beards violates the mustache institute's "ownership of the Sexually Dynamic Mustached American Lifestyle."

Yes, this is one of those types of letters. Tongue all up in the cheek. Or whiskers, if you will. Here's the full text of the letter, for you to either chuck or roll your eyes at.

Mr. Weiss,
We at the American Mustache Institute (AMI) applaud you and the Boston Red Sox for your extraordinary success in this 2013 Major League Baseball Season and wish you the best against the St. Louis Cardinals in what all of America hopes will be a competitive World Series matchup.

However, while each member of the Mustached American community appreciates your team’s harnessing of facial hair towards athletic excellence, your marketing of beardism violates the expressed federal trademark of AMI’s ownership of the Sexually Dynamic Mustached American Lifestyle, and in particular, our legal right to approve via “expressed written consent” of any use of said beardism or mustacheularity in marketing the Red Sox’s winning ways or merchandise.

Therefore, we have filed request for a temporary or permanent injunction, leading to the estoppal or cessation of said beardism-infringing activities in the court of Judge McKay Chauvin, Louisville Circuit Court, Division 8.

We are requesting a bench trial and have already filed a motion for summary judgment. Failing these two options, AMI along with the Walt Disney Reckoning Attribution Network and the Rev. Jerry Falwell, is prepared to fully-litigate this matter. This includes, if necessary, a full jury trial; and to this end we have retained counsel — the esteemed white-shoe firm of Dewey, Ahmadinejad & Houssein — in the aforementioned district.

We look forward to your response and cessation of these unsanctioned activities.

You’re welcome.

Jean Velue Doppelganger III, ESQ.
Chief Legal Affairs & Dance Coordination Coordinator
The American Mustache Institute
(877) STACHE-1

If you made it all the way through the letter and think it's a serious legal matter, let us point us a few things: 1. Jerry Falwell is mentioned. 2. The guy's last name is Doppelganger. 3. He's the "dance coordination coordinator." 4. "Mustacheularity" is used.

But, hey, we'd be as happy as the next baseball blogger to see Jonny Gomes take the witness stand to defend his sexually dynamic beard.

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Mike Oz is an editor for Big League Stew on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him at or follow him on Twitter!