He did it again. The LeBron James "embarrass a child with a preposterously easy dunk" Tour has spread to another country and continent, with King James throwing down a filthy slam on an unassuming Brit. That makes victims in the U.S. and the UK in the past four months, with a brief foray into losing at knockout to a Spanish teenager mixed in for good measure.
Clearly, this has to stop. It's as if no one has told LeBron that he just makes a horse's rear end of himself every time he takes advantage of a 24-inch height edge and overwhelming natural talent to take dunk on some unassuming kid. It doesn't help that those kids always seem to have the misfortune of being matched up against him in a game of knockout or an impromptu defensive drill.
With that in mind, Prep Rally decided to take it upon itself to write to LeBron personally, beseeching him to stop this madness and to go back to joking around with kiddie campers like everyone always assumed he was doing before this spate of youth dunk abuse popped up this summer.
What's up man? Yes, it has been too long. We figured with your whole globe-trotting tour and marketing endeavors and not showing up next to Derek Fisher on the NBPA dais that you probably wouldn't be able to get back to us anyway, so we were going to wait until everything calmed dow back in Miami or Akron before we reached out again.
That was before you went and threw down that slam on that poor British kid on Saturday or Sunday, whichever day it was.
Seriously man, what were you thinking? You know this never ends well. So far, these little stunts have cost you an autographed pair of shoes and some negative ink here and in Europe. Do this kind of thing in Cuba or Russia and we'll have a full-blown international incident.
The point is, well, that's just it. What is the point? Is it really that hard to hold back from dunking on a random kid who you know you can take to the cleaners any time, any place? Why not just let them D you up, then roll off it with a laugh and turn the whole stunt into a great moment for you, him (or her) and any cameras within distance?
Instead, you flattened a couple of kids, and it just looked bad. It's always going to look bad every single time. There's no good way to defend you unnecessarily dunking on anyone younger than 22, and it's particularly impossible to defend you dunking on a kid wearing Rec Specs. Seriously, he was wearing Rec Specs! The only person wearing those you could ever dunk on without ridicule was Horace Grant, and if you tried to dunk on him now, people would accuse you of abusing the elderly.
So let's just take it easy for a little while, alright? Try to stay under the radar, or be a little more public in the whole lockout negotiations. That's the real point: You don't see Kobe Bryant dunking on some poor, unsuspecting kid in Malaysia. No, he's telling players and owners to get back to the table … or talking to teams in Italy, in Italian … or going to one of his daughter's soccer games … or marveling at Marta's natural talent … or taking a penalty kick at a Barcelona exhibition match.
Whatever he's doing, he's not dunking on kids. And you shouldn't be either, LeBron. Just cut it out, ok?
Thanks. Safe travels, and Happy early Thanksgiving, assuming you're back stateside and not galavanting off in pursuit of even more money abroad.