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Lames: Ochocinco's putrid alter-ego to make cameo in Week 9

Brad Evans
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Each week the Noise highlights six unobvious names who he believes are destined to morph into human torpedos. For those playing the Lames home edition, each player must be started in at least 50 percent of Yahoo! leagues to qualify. As an accountability advocate, results, whether genius or moronic, will post the following week using the scoring system listed here. Cyber-bullies, feel free to tweet your hindsight jabs here.

Matt Schaub(notes), Hou, QB (Noise Week 9 QB Rank: 12, 75-percent started)
Matchup: vs. SD

Forget Happy Meals, disgruntled owners burned repeatedly by mediocre Schaub efforts should place a one-week ban on the quarterback. Through seven games, the rollercoaster ride has averaged just 18.2 points per week, the 18th-best mark among qualifying starters. Unhealthy targets, inconsistent pass protection and the emergence of Arian Foster(notes) have equally contributed to passer’s decline. At the regular season’s midway point, he’s tallied a YPA nearly a full yard less than last year. Don’t expect a sudden turnaround. Aside from Week 8, San Diego’s 3-4 has performed masterfully against the pass. The Chargers have allowed a league-low 176.9 passing yards per game and a minuscule 6.3 yards per attempt. Only Vince Young(notes) has tossed multiple touchdowns against them. With Andre Johnson(notes) no where close to 100 percent and the ground game clicking, another Texas misstep is on the horizon for Schaub. Maybe he truly is possessed by the ghost of David Carr.

Fearless Forecast: 19-32, 207 passing yards, 1 touchdowns, 2 interceptions, 12 fantasy points

Possible QB alternatives: Michael Vick(notes) (vs. Ind), Josh Freeman(notes) (at Atl), Joe Flacco(notes) (vs. Mia), Matt Ryan(notes) (vs. TB)

Thomas Jones(notes), KC, RB (Noise Week 9 RB Rank: 18, 68-percent started)
Matchup: at Oak

The revolting smell that wafts above the skies of Oakland isn’t related to Al Davis’ slow decomposition or the Raiders’ rotting teams of yesteryear. Nope, it’s the festering disease recent opponents have acquired visiting The Coliseum. Jones’ Chiefs could be the next to be infected. Gashed for much of the season by the run, the Raiders turned a corner last week against Seattle, holding Marshawn Lynch(notes) to a ghastly seven yards on nine carries. Tom Cable spoke highly of his team’s performance, commending his defensive line for “taking responsibility.” Containing Jamaal Charles(notes) and Jones is a far more daunting task, especially if Nnamdi Asomugha(notes) sits, but with Oakland’s confidence at an eight-year high, it could again overachieve. Occasional scoring lapses have occurred for Jones this year, even against charitable fronts. Clashes with Indy and Buffalo yielded lackluster results (8-19-0 (vs. Ind), 19-77-0 (vs. Buf)). The Chiefs’ offensive line has exceeded expectations, creating massive holes. On paper, they should dominate a Raiders D that’s allowed 4.9 yards per carry to RBs. But in this unpredictable game, simple logic is often defied.

Fearless Forecast: 17 carries, 72 rushing yards, 1 reception, 4 receiving yards, 7 fantasy points

LeGarrette Blount(notes), TB, RB (Noise Week 9 RB Rank: 19, 50-percent started)
Matchup: at Atl

Blount has finally gone mainstream. Last week’s 22-carry, 120-yard, 2-TD trucking of Arizona topped the RB charts. Understandably, with many still suffering from the bye week blues, the bulldozing back is a popular start choice. Unfortunately, owner exuberance will eventually give way to disappointment. Blount is a powerful between-the-tackles rusher, an unrefined Michael Turner(notes) if you will. But against The Burner’s team he will be extinguished. North-South runners have been stuffed against Hot-lanta this season. Peyton Hillis(notes) and Cedric Benson(notes) are prime examples. On the year, the Falcons have yielded just 2.9 yards per carry to rushers who’ve plodded up-the-gut, the third-lowest mark in the league. Overall, they’ve limited backs to a mere three touchdowns and 4.0 yards per carry. Unless he’s rewarded with a goal-line touch or two, the rookie is due for a letdown. Brighter days are ahead, but this week, pass on the Blount.

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Fearless Forecast: 18 carries, 75 rushing yards, 0 touchdowns, 7 fantasy points

Danny Woodhead(notes), NE, RB/WR (Noise Week 9 RB Rank: 35, WR Rank: 27, 59-percent started)
Matchup: at Cle

The fact that Woodhead is currently being started in more leagues than Mike Williams (TB), Matt Forte(notes), Blount and Dez Bryant(notes) is virtual insanity. Yes, D2 product one-half Rudy, one-half mutant beaver and his rags to riches story, presumably starring Turtle from “Entourage,” will one day grace the silver screen, but a multi-eligible commodity that has averaged 10 touches per game shouldn’t be a majority start. An argument could be made in PPR leagues, but in standard formats, which make up nearly two-thirds of the Yahoo! fantasy population, he’s a matchup-dependent option. Keep in mind he’s barely ranked inside the top-30 among RBs over the past five weeks, the top-25 for WRs. As running backs coach Ivan Fears noted earlier this week, the underdog has filled Kevin Faulk’s(notes) shoes nicely. His sponge-like absorption of the Patriots playbook and near flawless assignment execution has quickly elevated the Jets castoff into a prominent role. For that, he deserves credit. However, the hype machine gets unplugged this week. The Browns have been rabid versus the run this season. Rushers have performed 19.9-percent below the league average against them, splashing six just three times while averaging a bland 4.1 yards per carry. As a WR3 or flex option in deeper formats, Woodhead is employable, but there is no way he should be trusted over the names discussed above.

Fearless Forecast: 7 carries, 24 rushing yards, 4 receptions, 21 receiving yards, 0 touchdowns, 4 fantasy points

Possible RB alternatives: Brandon Jackson(notes) (vs. Dal), Mike Tolbert(notes) (at Hou), Darren Sproles(notes) (at Hou), Michael Bush(notes) (vs. KC)

Chad Ochocinco(notes), Cin, WR (Noise Week 9 WR Rank: 32, 73-percent started)
Matchup: vs. Pit

Trotting out No. 85 against the Steelers is like hiring Elmer Fudd to hunt down Osama Bin Laden, a fruitless endeavor. No brand of Old Spice can mask the repugnant outputs Ochostanko has tallied against Pittsburgh in recent years. Since 2008, he’s averaged just 45.0 yards per game and found the end-zone once in three games. To further complicate matters, it appears, based on the comments he made on the TOcho Show this week, the demonstrative wideout has unfriended Carson Palmer(notes) on Facebook. His frustration over his shrinking role has made Ocho a very unhappy camper. The Steelers aren’t impossible to throw on. They’ve actually conceded the third-most receptions to WRs this year. Still, No. 2 targets that have encountered the Steel Curtain have netted only 45.3 yards per game. Given his forgettable past against Pittsburgh, discordant feelings toward Palmer and overall downturn in production, Ochocinco simply can’t be trusted this week and possibly beyond. Cancel the show.

Fearless Forecast: 3 receptions, 32 receiving yards, 0 touchdowns, 3 fantasy points

Marques Colston(notes), NO, WR (Noise Week 9 WR Rank: 29, 88-percent started)
Matchup: at Car

Rescuing his sinking value over the past two weeks catching 16 passes for 187 yards and two scores, Colston appears to have finally reached safe ground. However, this week he’ll exhibit his pre-resurgence form. Once again the Panthers secondary is one of the league’s best kept defensive secrets. Corners Chris Gamble(notes) and Richard Marshall(notes) have played admirably. Wideouts have performed 43-percent below the league average against the tandem. Historically, Colston has vanished versus Carolina. In his past five battles with the NFC South rival, he’s totaled only 41.4 yards per game and one touchdown. Toss in Drew Brees’(notes) socialist nature, and an underwhelming line is certainly possible. Don’t be suckered by this MC.

Fearless Forecast: 4 receptions, 38 receiving yards, 0 touchdowns, 3 fantasy points

Possible WR alternatives: Mike Williams, TB (at Atl), Dez Bryant (at GB), Davone Bess(notes) (at Bal), Jordy Nelson(notes) (vs. Dal), James Jones(notes) (vs. Dal), Steve Johnson(notes) (vs. Chi)

Other potential Week 9 Lames: Jay Cutler(notes) (at Buf), Jahvid Best(notes) (vs. NYJ), Cedric Benson (vs. Pit), Steve Smith, Car (vs. NO), Percy Harvin(notes) (vs. Ari)

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League type:
Free Yahoo League
League size:
10 players
Draft time:
Sep 4 9:00 am
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