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Fantasy Rant: The three managers who can ruin any auction, and who should just be banned indefinitely

Andy Behrens
Roto Arcade

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Bobby V, also not welcome in my auctions (USAT Images)

Eventually, as we get deeper into draft season, the Roto Arcade team will get around to publishing the usual lists of do's and don'ts for fantasy auctions. And it will be an awesome list, loaded with wickedly insightful tips like, "Don't leave dollars on the table" and "Don't overpay for career years" — stuff you couldn't possibly figure out on your own.

But today, we have a different objective. Today, we're simply discussing behavioral issues.

Before we give you advice to help dominate at the auction table, we first need to ensure that you aren't the chucklehead who destroys the auction for everyone else.

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If you're thinking that perhaps this feature is being written as an angry reaction to a very recent draft experience ... well, yeah. That's exactly what this is. Had a little too much exposure to this tool...

The dude who can't stop criticizing auction prices WHILE THE BIDDING IS LIVE

Just so we're clear: I don't care if you ridicule every purchase made in the auction room. Won't bother me at all. Not in the slightest. You can be this guy...

LOL at $28 for Sabathia!

...or this guy...

Neil Walker for $18! LMAO!

...or this guy...

OMG no way on A-Rod at any price

...and I will not care. Feel free to do it all day. Talk as much smack as you like, mid-draft. It won't get to me. And it might rattle a few people in the room, which is great.

But DO NOT, under any circumstances, tell people that they're overpaying for a player while the bidding is in process. Just let 'em go crazy. If you think someone is being recklessly dumb in an auction, get outta their way. Let dumb run wild.

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Yeah, even Neil Walker thinks the price is crazy. Not the point (USAT)

It's fine if you feel the need to be a total [expletive] about other people's spending decisions, but try to keep your [expletive]-ishness in check for, like, two minutes, until the Neil Walker frenzy ends. Then you can tell everyone how smart you are, and how terrible they are at valuing second basemen.

There's no good reason for you to ever say anything that causes other people to stop spending auction dollars — especially when you think they're spending poorly.

And on the flip side, we have this owner...

The guy who apparently thinks he's just auditing the auction, not participating

I have never understood the purpose of in-draft comments like this one:

Whoa, can't believe (whoever) went for $5. Such a steal

I mean ... YOU WERE RIGHT THERE IN THE DRAFT ROOM. If you thought the price on a particular player was too low, there's a button you could have clicked to make the price go up. CLICK THE BUTTON, fool.

If you think a player is a filthy steal, then steal him. Or at least price-enforce. Do something. It's not like you're some visiting fantasy scholar whose only role is to comment on prices. You're expected to actually buy a few players yourself.

Usually, the people who make these weirdly disconnected comments are folks who enter the room with a rigid set of rules, then refuse to veer away from any pre-auction plans — even when a ridiculous bargain presents itself. Don't become so dedicated to your strategy, whatever it is, that you can't scoop up players with clear profit potential.

[Also: Missing link found: Brewers Racing Italian Sausage returned]

And please don't be this chump...

The person who refuses to bid on anyone until the timer is down to 0:01

Sure, we all do it occasionally. Maybe once or twice in an auction. The timer is ticking...

7...6...5...

...and maybe we're not totally committed to going the extra buck on Brett Lawrie...

4...3...

...because he was kind of a dud last year — not completely, but kinda — and Panda is still on the board, and...

2...1...

...oh, crap.

$20

These things happen. I get it. Fine. We all waffle.

But there's no good reason to use the full clock on every bid you make. You're just peeling the seconds off the lives of everyone in the draft room. Fantasy baseball doesn't need any LaRussian flourishes.

Generally speaking, the dude who favors last-second-bidding is also the dude who A) nominates every player at $1 no matter his value, and B) only ever raises the bidding by a buck. This owner will toss Miguel Cabrera at $1, then, if you let him, he'll happily bid up Miggy to sixty bucks, one dollar at a time ... taking every second on the clock for every bid.

So yeah, this guy is pretty much the worst of the worst of the worst. Special circle of fantasy hell for you, champ.

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