Closing Time: These lists go up to 11

Scott Pianowski
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Tonight's piece is a homage to the sneaky-rewatchable High Fidelity, which I caught again over the weekend. Top Five lists follow from start to finish; on a short night like tonight, it seems right to throw a knuckleball. Keep the theme going in the comments.

Five Injury Nuggets From Monday

Grady Sizemore(notes) (elbow) cleared to start throwing and swinging again

Jason Bartlett(notes) (ankle) is off the DL

Ervin Santana(notes) (forearm) will miss Tuesday's start

Gary Sheffield(notes) (knee) will continue to play through discomfort

Jason Isringhausen(notes) (elbow surgery) is done

Five Fantasy Items From Monday's Two Games

Torii Hunter(notes) leaves after collision with wall (hopes to return Friday)

Carl Pavano(notes), Barry Zito(notes) and Dave Bush(notes) all hammered

Sean Rodriguez(notes) bats eighth, homers

Fred Lewis(notes) comes off the bench again

Trevor Hoffman(notes) now 16-for-16

Five Name-Brand Starting Pitchers I Don't Want

Daisuke Matsuzaka(notes) (at what point is he mixed-league droppable? I'm petrified to use him in the Friends & Family)

Scott Kazmir(notes) (doesn't work deep enough into games)

A.J. Burnett(notes) (they'll eventually regret this contract)

John Lackey(notes) (I'd sell those 10 strikeouts tonight)

Chris Young (the steals, the homers, the road problems)

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Five Closers I'd Be Worried About (Nats don't count)

Chad Qualls(notes) (doubt he's healthy at any point)

Brad Lidge(notes) (like the rest of you)

Fernando Rodney(notes) (with team contending, leash won't be that long)

Kevin Gregg(notes) (and sadly, he's just about untradeable)

George Sherrill(notes) (he's fine, but trade looks likely)

Five Annoying Things Fantasy Opponents Do

Trade off big-name players without surveying the league

Make ridiculous lowball offers (it's almost a point-and-click test for your computer)

Anything that seems "lawyerly"

Slow picks during draft day (the day takes long enough as is)

Partners that play "good cop, bad cop" (so transparent)

Five Surging Starters I Would Sell High On (no-market Millwoods and Dukes don't count)

Edwin Jackson(notes) (sorry, Salfino)

Matt Cain(notes) (who's on my two most important teams, shhhh)

Chris Carpenter(notes) (dominant when healthy, but can't ignore the history)

Felix Hernandez(notes) (it's sell-high, not give away)

Javier Vazquez(notes) (there's always a sympathizer who will overrate him)

Five People I Would Never Give a Talk Show To

Joe Buck (constantly smug)

Joe Buck (not funny)

Joe Buck (consistently annoying)

Joe Buck (I thought his dad was overrated; apparently everyone else adored the guy)

Joe Buck (fill in your own comment here)

Five Tip-Earning Things the Waiter/Waitress Can Do

Visit the table quickly after seating

Unsolicited drink refills

Be understanding and proactive if there's a problem

Process the check quickly

Be friendly and pleasant

Five Mistakes Smart Fantasy Owners Consistently Make

Overvalue rookies

Hold onto pre-season opinions too long

Reluctance to trade

Rigid draft plans

Too risk-averse with pickups

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Five Best Albums by The Beatles

Abbey Road

The White Album


Rubber Soul

Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (a clever record and a good one, but honestly, it's the most overrated album in rock history; the concept surpasses the execution)

Five Annoying Things the Fantasy Industry Often Does

Play the straw man (make up an imaginary argument that no one really believes, then dismantle it)

Assume *everything* regresses to the mean

State the obvious as if it's something profound

Assume ownership of something just because the true founder isn't known

Make up acronyms just for the sake of making up acronyms

Five Movies I'll Rewatch Anytime They're On

The Shawshank Redemption

This Is Spinal Tap

Anything by Alexander Payne


The better half of Cameron Crowe (not so fast, Elizabethtown)

I wanted to end this group of lists with a video salute to Mike Damone's Five-Point Plan, but it's no longer available on You Tube; this transcript will have to do. Just know we're thinking of you, Damone, and we hope you move those Blue Oyster Cult tickets.


Images via Associated Press