Now that the NFL schedule is out, you probably only have one question: How will this schedule contribute to the greater glory of Tim Tebow?
Fear not, true believers! Mix the brand new schedule with a crystal ball and some wishful thinking, and Presto! A week-by-week breakdown of Tebow's stats and progress appears, suitable for fantasy football or water cooler discussions.
Week 1: Bills. Tebow carries seven times for 43 yards and attempts no passes in a win. Mark Sanchez throws two touchdown passes; no one notices.
Jumbo screen catches Knicks guard Jeremy Lin in the stands. Jets fans boo.
Week 2: at Steelers. Tebow gains 6 rushing yards in a loss. Late in the game, he attempts to throw a bomb like the ones he threw to beat the Steelers in the playoffs, only to find Steelers safety Ryan Clark standing exactly where the ball will land. Clark has actually been standing in that spot since the team told him he could not travel to Denver last January. There really isn't much else to do in Pittsburgh.
Week 3: at Dolphins. Tebow gains 11 yards as a rusher and completes a screen pass to Jeremy Kerley for 2 yards, giving him more total yardage than Dolphins starting quarterback Aaron Corp.
An unearthly voice warns Tebow to abandon the ways of the Wildcat and focus on becoming a true quarterback. No, it's not the Almighty. It's the ghost of Pat White's career.
Week 4: 49ers. Mark Sanchez actually plays this entire game, a Jets loss. "If I didn't know better," he tells coach Rex Ryan, "I would think you are playing me against this vicious defense just so I can get injured and end this quarterback controversy." Ryan spends a solid hour scratching the back of his head and looking down at his shoes until Sanchez gives up and leaves.
During the game, the jumbo screen catches Rangers forward Marian Gaborik in the stands. Jets fans boo.
Week 5: Texans. Tebow gains 12 yards as a runner and is 3 of 9 as a passer in a loss on Monday night. Jon Gruden washes his mouth out with battery acid so he can say "Tebow" over and over again without cursing or vomiting.
The Jets Wildcat is renamed the Wild Mosquito after the most threatening predator in the Meadowlands. Name scrapped after Darrelle Revis contracts West Nile Virus.
Week 6: Colts. Tebow gains 3 yards as the Jets hand off 74 times to beat the Colts 6-3.
Jets Wildcat renamed The Wild Pistol. Name scrapped when Plaxico Burress injures himself by stuffing a playbook in his shorts.
During the game, the jumbo screen catches Donovan McNabb in the stands. Eagles fans race up the New Jersey Turnpike to boo, but get stuck in traffic one mile from exit 15X. Luckily, McNabb says something completely inane, so Jets fans boo.
Week 7: at Patriots. The Jets win 20-17 with the help of 40 Tebow rushing yards. Rex Ryan struts and preens through his press conference as if he just won 300 Super Bowls. The only truer sign that mid-October has arrived than a premature Ryan celebration is a whining Red Sox fan.
Week 8: Dolphins. Tebow is ineffective. Dolphins win. After fielding the 30,000th question about why the Wildcat isn't working, Tony Sparano erupts in an obscenity-laden rant. "It was, like, four plays that I used to surprise the Patriots four years ago! And I have been milking it ever since! Don't you see that I am a big, fat, incompetent fraud!" Rex Ryan consoles Sparano by telling him he isn't that fat.Read More »from 16 Weeks of the Tebow: A look into the future’