As each of the division champions and wild-card teams are determined, Big League Stew asks World Series hopefuls to issue a formal acceptance speech and explain why they're the team that will be hoisting The Commissioner's Trophy in late October. Next up to bat are the Philadelphia Phillies, who clinched the NL East on Saturday with a 4-3 win over Washington.

Mr. Commissioner, Gentleman Dave Montgomery, Chairman Giles, the Phantom Five, the Prince of Passyunk (Phillie Phanatic), General Manager Gillick, Mr. Balboa and Adrian, Michael Jack Schmidt, Skipper Manuel, the Loving Brothers and Sisters of Philadelphia, the Broad Street Bullies and one provolone wit'.

Happy now, Philly pholks? We told 'ya the Mets knew they couldn't compete with the Fightins', that they weren't as good, and will you look what happened? They choked on their cannoli again, and who was there to scoop up the NL East title for a second year in a row? You're darned right we accept it, are you kidding? Gimme that!

Big League Stew's David Brown is in Detroit this weekend for the Rays' final regular season series and will file a few reports from the scene.

The media hype machine that can surround and sometimes distort a baseball team on the rise claimed a victim in the Rays, who happen to be new to this sort of thing.

The ABC news station in Tampa Bay reported on Friday afternoon that outfielder Rocco Baldelli had been diagnosed "just last week" with muscular dystrophy. Baldelli's doctor refuted such a notion in comments relayed through the team, saying the report was "erroneous" and used "incorrect terminology."

"He has mitochondrial myopathy, not muscular dystrophy," Dr. Allan Weiss said.

Baldelli told reporters in the Comerica Park clubhouse that he hadn't seen the report, adding, "that's awful."

Baldelli has been hampered in recent seasons by injuries — to things such as knees and elbows — but doctors could not figure out what caused his chronic fatigue and hamstring injuries until March,

As each of the division champions and wild-card teams are determined, Big League Stew will ask World Series hopefuls to issue a formal acceptance speech and explain why they're the team that will be hoisting The Commissioner's Trophy in late October. Next up to bat are the Tampa Bay Rays, who clinched the AL East early Saturday morning when the Yankees completed a 19-8 victory over the Red Sox. This is their address.

Mr. Commissioner, Principal Sternberg, Baseball Operator Friedman, Jedi Master Hunsicker, Manager Maddon, Manager Maddon's Glasses, Zim and Mrs. Zim, my fellow Floridians, Gulf Coasters, Hillsborough Countessas, Tampa Baywatchers, St. Petersburgers, Residents of Wisteria Lane, Retirees, Empty Nesters, Snowbirds, Grandmas and Grandpas and Other Seniors in their Golden Years.

(Pause so straggling octogenarians can find their seats)

We must first begin by thanking The Devil, for without the generous assistance and understanding of El Diablo — that Old Serpent, Beelzebub,

Big League Stew's David Brown is in Detroit this weekend for the Rays' final regular season series and will file a few reports from the scene.

Even divided, Tampa Bay still could stand.

The Rays were beaten by Detroit for a second day in a row Friday, but still were in position to clinch their first division crown in 11 seasons of existence because the Red Sox — who trail them in the race — also trailed the Yankees 13-4 in a game delayed by rain in the top of the fifth.

So, what to do?

Hang around the clubhouse, wait for the game to resume and watch it on the Internet (because it was not available on TV)?

Two team buses actually gave the players other alternatives. One headed for the team's hotel in nearby Dearborn, the other for the MGM Grand Casino a few blocks away in downtown Detroit.

"What about those of us who are staying behind?" reliever Jason Hammel asked semi-rhetorically.

No matter what, the Rays weren't going to be whole for a potential celebration. They'd have to pop

This and every weekday a.m., let's rise and shine together for those deserving of the AL Central title and others less deserving. Today's Roll Call begins in Minnesota, where the Twins completed a crucial sweep of the White Sox and took over first place with an exhilarating-for-some, gut-busting-for-others, eardrum-shattering for all, comeback.

Game of the Day: Twins 7, White Sox 6 (10 inn.)

Bait, switch and hemorrhage: They trailed 6-1 in the fourth inning against Chicago's top starter, but the Piranhas pecked and picked at Sox flesh until Alexi Casilla hit a soft single in the 10th to score Nick Punto against Bobby Jenks, who came in having saved 15 consecutive chances. The crowd of 43,601 had been loud all night, like in those '87 and '91 days of yore, but they really turned up the volume after the Twins took over first place. "That was unbelievable. The loudest thing I've ever heard in my life," Twins manager Ron Gardenhire says.

Sweep with the carnivorous fishes: The first two

As each of the division champions and wild-card teams are determined, Big League Stew will ask World Series hopefuls to issue a formal acceptance speech and explain why they're the team that will be hoisting The Commissioner's Trophy in late October. Next to bat are the Los Angeles Dodgers, who clinched the NL West on Thursday via second-place Arizona's 12-3 loss to the St. Louis Cardinals.

Mr. Commissioner, Vin, Chairman McCourt, President McCourt, Ambassador Lasorda, General Manager Colletti, V.P. A.G.M. Ng, Manager Torre, Johnny, Ed, Fernando, the Governador, my fellow Golden Staters, Southern Californians, Greater Los Angelenos, Lesser Los Angelenos, Chavez Ravineatfreaks, Dodger Dogs, Disciples of the Big Dodger in the Sky.

Yeah, we're in the car on the Ventura Freeway. Why, did something happen? What's the score of the Diamondbacks game? We don't have Sirius in here -- it's the Voyager -- so we're not sure what's up. Listening to CDs, actually. So, we know the Cardinals had a

Hot dog, is this pennant race about to explode!

Todd Zolecki from the Philly Inquirer reports that a suspicious package of hot dogs caused a bomb scare at Citizens Bank Park on Wednesday before the Braves-Phillies game. Some fans were even evacuated from the stadium and the box containing the offending franks was blown up by the bomb squad (with relish, of course), all apparently while the Phillies continued taking batting practice.

No buns or mustard were said to be harmed in the disarmament of the wieners.

However, the same could not be said for the dogs' delicious casing and inner contents.

The hot dogs, to be used as a prop in a commercial starring the Phillies mascot, the Phillie Phanatic, were wrapped heavily in white packaging and duct tape (think anthrax scare), and were to be fired by the Phanatic through its hot dog launcher (think overgrown aardvark with a bazooka) before imaginations and fears became overactive.

Perhaps with exploding wieners weighing heavily on their

The Giants have announced that 40-year-old J.T. Snow, who played first base for them from 1997 to 2005 and has not worn a major league uniform since 2006, has signed a "ceremonial contract" so that he may retire as a Giant.

And all was right in the world.

Wait. What in the name of the National Football League is a-goin' on here? Randall Cunningham (Philadelphia Eagles) and Jerry Rice (San Francisco 49ers) are among the legion of former football stars who signed similar deals so they could retire with their original teams.

This also seems like something hockey would do.

However, Snow and the Giants will do the NFL — and presumably the NHL — one better. The "ceremony" includes allowing Snow to suit up and take the field one last time at first base before being replaced by a current player before Saturday's first pitch against the Dodgers.

Giants general manager Brian Sabean says he respects Snow, who performs several different jobs within the organization and is thought to be a