Kevin Garnett whispers some not-so-sweet nothings in the ear of Glen 'Big Baby' Davis. (Getty Images)

"You know I'm gonna cut you into small pieces, coat you with salt, cook you in a small preheated oven for about six minutes and serve you with mustard and nacho cheese to moviegoers as pretzel bites, right, Baby? You know this, right, Baby? Li'l redhead kids named Philip are gonna eat you during 'Chipwrecked,' Baby, that's my word."

All things considered, 2-of-9, four turnovers and a -12 on the night makes a lot of sense, Glen Davis. Hearing that kind of stuff from Kevin Garnett is bound to screw you up. I mean, "that's my word"? No one's said that since, what, Keak da Sneak in '05? That's got to mess with your head.

Best caption wins KG's culinary inspiration, which I'm told are just super, super hyphy. Good luck.

In our last adventure: Few professional basketball players enjoy a good from-the-rafters sneakpounce more than Elton Brand. Hardly any, really.

Elton Brand does something very illegal to LeBron James. (Getty Images)

Getting simultaneously vertical and horizontal, straddling shoulders and inducing struggle faces. Textbook defense, Elton Brand. I'm glad to see that you are taking a leadership role in emphasizing the fundamentals to the rest of your Philadelphia 76ers teammates. You have to be fundamentally sound when grabbing groins. You just have to.

Best caption wins two shots and the ball. Good luck.

In our last adventure (ages ago, it was!): I know you loved it, but "Supermarket Sweep" has been off the air for like 10 years, Kendrick Perkins. You have to let it go.

I just wish there was some way to tell if Kendrick Perkins of the Oklahoma City Thunder is a hungry man. (Getty Images)

I mean, I am not an expert on the food guide pyramid or the My Plate healthy eating initiative, but I am pretty sure "eat, like, dozens of Hungry Man dinners all the time forever" isn't a sound nutritional plan, Kendrick Perkins. You are teaching this child all the wrong things to do, food-wise, and I am upset at it. Also, what is up with those ladies in the background just standing idly by and allowing this to continue? Clearly they know that this is NOT the food that growing boys need. Someone, please, step in!

Also also, are you yo-yo dieting, Kendrick? You can tell your ol' pal Dan. I am very proud of you for losing all that weight, but this isn't the kind of food plan that will keep it off. Here, try this. It's roasted Brussels sprouts. NO, FOR REAL, IT'S GOOD. Just try it, OK? Good. Now give me the Hungry Men. C'mon. Give 'em. There you go.

Best caption wins a terrible pro-vegetables bumper sticker (not really). Good luck.

NOTE: Also also also, this picture actually comes from quite a nice thing. An Oklahoma family won a shopping spree to stock up on groceries, courtesy of the Oklahoma City Thunder and Homeland Stores, and Perkins helped them shop. Big up yourselves, Perk, Thunder and Homeland stores.

In our last adventure: Al Horford and Larry Drew clearly like the cuts of one another's respective jibs. Some real strong Atlanta Haws jib-likin' right here, for sure.

1. For new fan favorite Iman Shumpert to be playing instead of, it seems, former fan favorite Toney Douglas, who was booed when he checked in for the rookie for during the fourth quarter of the New York Knicks' 118-110 home loss to the Charlotte Bobcats on Wednesday night.

The full-throated support of Shumpert — who scored 18 points on 10 shots off the New York bench, repeatedly attacked Charlotte's defense and was the only Knick worth cheering for large swaths of the contest — makes sense. The "vociferous boos" (as MSG color commentator Walt "Clyde" Frazier called them) of Douglas, as Seth Rosenthal wrote at the great Knicks blog Posting and Toasting, "were pretty upsetting, but not unwarranted."

2. For Douglas to be Chris Paul, Deron Williams, Steve Nash or any other initial-caps Pure Point Guard they've long dreamed of having run the pick-and-roll controls of Mike D'Antoni's offense. Which is to say, for him to be something that he's not, has never been, and in all likelihood will never be. The responsibility of running the team continues to wreck Douglas' overall game; he missed 11 of 17 shots and five of six 3-point attempts against Charlotte, posted four turnovers to mitigate his five assists, and frequently looked like he was playing in quicksand, struggling desperately to get something positive going but instead sinking deeper and deeper.

3. For something, anything, to make them believe that Landry Fields (a -21 in 25 minutes of floor time last night) is going to return to his 2010 first-half form, that the 2010 first half actually was his "form," and that he's still even capable of being something other than the skittish sinkhole he's seemed since the Knicks traded Raymond Felton, Danilo Gallinari, Wilson Chandler, Timofey Mozgov, three draft picks and $3 million for Carmelo Anthony, Renaldo Balkman and three guys who don't live here anymore.

Al Horford's got 'em, Coach Larry Drew. (AP)

"I know what picture those Yahoo! jerks used in those previews, and I'll be a son of a gun if I'm going to see you crack wise while I'm giving you the play. Don't you sass me, Horford."

C'mon, Al Horford. I mean, I'm glad you read my parts of BDL's 2011-12 Season Previews, but I don't think you should sass coach Larry Drew in front of everybody like that. It's not nice, and it's just the kind of thing that could derail your Atlanta Hawks' momentum at a time when everyone, even Marvin Williams, is playing pretty great.

Also, you don't happen to know if Marvin read my parts of the Season Previews, do you? Because I was TOTALLY kidding about that "lukewarm water and stale bread crusts" line, which was super obvious, but still, if you could make sure he knows, that'd be great. Thanks.

Best caption wins a wolf-based reminder not to sass people, courtesy of Dragon Boy Suede. Good luck.

In our last adventure: Andrea Bargnani and Tyson Chandler make a very awkward connection.

Twenty points on 10 shots in under 22 minutes, six assists without a turnover, a lead role in the Cleveland Cavaliers' 115-101 win over the visiting Charlotte Bobcats, and a pregnant-with-history at-the-rim erasure of opposing number D.J. Augustin. Not a bad night for young Kyrie Irving, huh?

Even better: While the chase-down block on Augustin probably felt like an exorcism for many Cleveland fans, the Cavs' new No. 1 overall pick treated it like it t'weren't nothin'. From Mary Schmitt Boyer at the Cleveland Plain Dealer:

"It was just a normal basketball play," Irving said, shrugging off any compliments. "I just wanted to contest it the best I can."

Fellow rookie Tristan Thompson said he saw it coming.

"I knew he could do that," Thompson said. "It was almost like he set D.J. up. D.J.'s like a big brother to me [Thompson and Augustin both went to Texas] so I'm going to get at him a little after the game about that block. But I knew Kyrie was going to block that. I could have bet money on that."

Better make that a large coffee, Alice. I've got a long day of goofs and gags ahead of me, and I need to look sharp. Can't afford to get Murphy'd out there.

Anyone who's played sports badly has been told at some point by some coach or other that you need to "keep your head on a swivel out there." In this case, Troy Murphy needed to "keep his head pointed directly in front of him to see the basketball being passed to him out there." Less range of motion needed, but more focus, and it's hard to forget decades of coaching in an instant. You can see the bind he was in.

Let's use this as a teachable moment, friends. When George Santayana wrote that those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it, I'm pretty sure what he meant was, those who cannot remember a Los Angeles Lakers power forward getting hit in the face with a basketball are condemned to be hit in the face with a basketball.

Tyson Chandler of the New York Knicks defends (I guess) Andrea Bargnani of the Toronto Raptors. (Getty Images) Andrea

That's it, Andrea Bargnani. Feel the salvation of Tyson Chandler's red right hand. Drink deep of the calming, cooling brook that is the New York Knicks center's inner peace. Let the raging must-shoot-contested-22-footers fever within you break, then subside. Respite is yours, if you will only just lean into his grasp. Be healed, dino friend.

(Oh, also, be a pal and don't move too quick to one side or the other, OK? Tyson's having enough problems with early foul trouble as it is these days.)

Best caption wins "Leap of Faith" on laserdisc (not really). Good luck.

In our last adventure: Let Ricky Rubio's smile be your umbrella, Jason Kidd. Also, let it be your primary source of renewable energy, your warmest sweater and the seed of a renewed, abiding faith in the possibility that goodness lies inside all men's hearts.