The last time you'll see Michael Ballack's nose hair on a football pitch. (Getty)

Hello, I am Michael Ballack and you might remember me from such direct to VHS classics as Ballacks Knows Best, Michael Ballack's Crunk Dance Revolution and How To Cook A Duck In The Way That Michael Ballack Would If He Were To Ever Cook A Duck In His Personal Life.

As you may have already heard, I am retiring from football. I played for Bayer Leverkusen, Bayern Munich and Chelsea. I was also an extremely punctual captain of Germany. And I often read cookbooks while traveling. As the people who speak in unoriginal phrases say, "it has been a great ride." I have made many friends over the years and I have also made many enemies. Today I will be speaking only to the enemies because, frankly, the friends do not mean that much to me.

Hello, enemies. I am Michael Ballack. How are you? I hope not too well. Since I am retiring I have several last words for some of you and I will be doing them now. I would tell you to sit down for this, but I would rather imagine you standing up for an uncomfortable period of time. And so we begin.

Playing for the first time since returning unexpectedly quick from a knee injury he suffered two weeks ago, Carles Puyol endured a gruesome elbow injury in the 76th minute of Barcelona's 2-0 Champions League win against Benfica. The 34-year-old defender jumped for a header off a corner kick, but landed awkwardly on his arm, bending his elbow in an unnatural way. He was forced out of the match and taken to a hospital, but the extent of the damage is so far unclear.

UPDATE: Though you don't have to be a doctor to make this diagnosis, Puyol has a dislocated elbow and will reportedly be out for another six weeks.

Zlatan makes another goalkeeper question his will to live. (Getty)

Lionel Messi is coming off an astounding season in which he scored a La Liga record 50 goals and a world record 73 in all competitions. Though this might seem like more than enough to make him worthy of a fourth straight Ballon d'Or, Zlatan Ibrahimovic says not so fast.

From Reuters:

The Paris Saint-Germain forward, who played with Messi at Barcelona during the 2009-10 season, told Eurosport: "Messi had a fantastic season but he has not won that much and he has already won the Ballon d'Or three times. It depends whether you reward an individual or a collective work.

"Xavi is still playing at a high level, [Andrés] Iniesta also had a great season, they won the Euros [for Spain] while Messi has not won anything, just the King's Cup. Messi has won the Ballon d'Or three times, it's now someone else's turn to win it."

Meanwhile, Zlatan led Serie A with 28 goals, his goal against France was voted the finest of Euro 2012 even though the rest of the Swedish team betrayed him by not playing up

Alex Ferguson introduces his face to his palm. (AP)

Over the last few days, it's become more apparent than ever that Sir Alex Ferguson is your grandpa. First, he called Gareth Bale "Christian Bale" during a pre-match interview on Saturday. Then, after losing to Spurs at Old Trafford for the first time in 23 years, the man so famous for benefitting from generous amounts of injury time that it is universally referred to as "Fergie Time" complained about not getting enough to win the game. And now, he's accusing foreigners of diving more, railing against off-topic questions and warning those pesky neighbor kids to pull up their trousers and stay off his lawn (well, the first two at least).

When asked during his Champions League press conference about Sergio Aguero's claim that English players are treated more favorably by Premier League referees, Ferguson forgot about all the English players (including those on his own team) who dive just as much as their foreign counterparts. From the Guardian:

Ferguson, who is preparing his side for Tuesday evening's Champions League group game at Cluj, the Romanian title holders, said: "It's not worth going into that subject because down the years there have been plenty of players diving, and you have to say particularly foreign players."

Well, you don't have to say that. But you did. Of course, this statement excludes Nani though.

"Nani is not the type to dive, I know that."

So if that's how the football questions get answered at his press conference, maybe a change of subjects and a quick word on Europe's amazing come from behind win at the Ryder Cup would be nice. From the Telegraph:

And if that's how he reacted to a single question about the golf, he probably would've killed a man with his bare hands if he was subjected to the "bizarre" line of questioning Celtic manager Neil Lennon was subjected to at his press conference, including questions about whether he would help Rangers, whether Sean Connery would help Celtic and if Aiden McGeady will be getting a statue at Celtic Park.

Video of Ferguson's reaction to the golf question right this way...

A crazed pitch invader attacked a linesman during a stoppage in play at a match between Chernomorets Odessa and Metalist in Ukraine. The man, a Chernomorets fan, lunged at the linesman while the officials conversed with the Chernomorets manager about a corner kick awarded to Matelist and grabbed him by the throat while pushing him backwards.

When the police jumped on the purple shirted lunatic, he seemed to calm down and almost immediately surrendered as Chernomorets players tried to talk him down. The officers were even nice enough to give him his hat back, but when he decided he was tired of being man-handled, he started to resist and it ended up taking five guys to keep him restrained. They finally got him into the tunnel so the match could carry on. It ended 1-1 after this brilliant scorpion kick goal scored by Metalist substitute Willian...

Jose Mourinho visits Deportivo La Coruna's bench. (Getty)

You might think that a man who believes he should be called "The Only One" would enjoy receiving special treatment when he walks the streets, but in the case of Jose Mourinho you would apparently be wrong. The Real Madrid manager says he is unhappy with his social life and no, it's not because Zidane forgot to invite him to his last murder mystery dinner party.

From the Independent:

"If I could be a manager, a football manager, and the moment I leave the club or the moment the match finished, if I could switch off a light and become a person that nobody knows, I would do it," he said [to CNN].

"Because I hate my social life. I hate my social life. I hate not to be a normal father who goes with his son to the son's football match and being there with the other 20 fathers watching the match.

"I am in a football match of kids 10-12 years old and I have to be there, the people have to come for photos, the people have to come for autographs, the people have to come to insult me, the people

It's been a difficult start to the season for Palermo. They're already on their second manager of the season (and 20th different one since 2002) and prior to Sunday, they still had not won after five Serie A matches, but 33-year-old captain Fabrizio Miccoli helped changed that with a hat trick in their 4-1 win against Chievo Verona.

The final goal of his hat trick came in the 82nd minute, when he launched a perfectly placed volley from about 40 yards away that went over the keeper's head and bounced into the net.

Said Miccoli after the match (via Football Italia):

"It is one of my best days. This is my sixth year in Palermo, yet every time it feels like I have to start from scratch and prove I'm not old or just worthy of playing the last half-hour."

I think he proved his point.

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Cesc Fabregas helped Barcelona to a comeback win against Sevilla in more ways than one, keeping its perfect record intact through six La Liga matches. With Barca down 2-0, Fabregas scored in the 53rd minute to get it back in the match. Perhaps his most important contribution to the match, however, was when he got Sevilla midfielder sent off in the 72nd minute by putting on what was apparently a referee-convincing performance.

Medel and Fabregas came together away from the ball, in the middle of Barcelona's half, while the referee was distracted. The pair bumped chests and if there was any head-to-head contact, it was slight, but that didn't stop Cesc from staggering away and holding his face as if he'd been punched in the nose. This prompted the ref to act and he did so by showing Medel a straight red.

With Sevilla down to 10 men, Fabregas scored an equalizer in the 89th minute and David Villa pulled out a winner in the third minute of injury time.

Though Cesc's apparent embellishment worked, Sergio Busquets was surely disappointed that while he covered his face exceptionally well, he didn't immediately drop to the ground. So there is still room for improvement there. Anyway, at least Messi was happy...