Real Madrid finished off third division side Ponferradina with ease in the Copa del Rey. Instead of asking an opposing player for their shirt after the 5-1 second-leg drubbing as is customary, Ponferradina defender Dani Carril went up to Jose Mourinho and asked for his vest.

Without hesitation, Mourinho took it off and handed it over to him. According to Marca, the grateful Carril later said of Mourinho, "Mou, you're the f***ing master."

Luis Suarez hugs Tokyo Sexwale.

Liverpool striker Luis Suarez has been banned for eight matches (one match longer than his ban for biting PSV's Otman Bakkal last year) and fined £40,000 for using racial insults against Manchester United's Patrice Evra. In response, Liverpool's official website published a lengthy defense of Suarez/attack on Evra that went beyond your usual club support for a punished player.

Here it is, in full:

Liverpool Football Club is very surprised and disappointed with the decision of the Football Association Commission to find Luis Suarez guilty of the charges against him.

We look forward to the publication of the Commission's Judgment.  We will study the detailed reasons of the Commission once they become available, but reserve our right to appeal or take any other course of action we feel appropriate with regards to this situation.

That's certainly fair enough. I like to think Liverpool's actual press officer wrote this and intended it to be the club's full statement on the matter, but just before he could hit "publish," an escaped lunatic crashed through his office window, bludgeoned him with a rock and wrote what follows.

Man United held their annual Big United Quiz for MUTV and contrary to what you might assume, Wayne Rooney proved to be a master at charades. Teamed with Ryan Giggs and Jonny Evans, Rooney was tasked with miming the film title "Bend it like Beckham."

He immediately focused on the last word of the title and first tried to prompt his teammates by referencing the fact that Beckham was their club's No. 7. But that didn't work. Then he did a long hair motion and that didn't work either. Finally, getting desperate, he acted out the time Alex Ferguson angrily launched a boot at Beckham's head, disregarding the fact that Alex Ferguson was sitting right there as he did it.

Ferguson perked up the first time he did it, as if he couldn't believe this was happening. And once a laughing Ryan Giggs guessed correctly, Ferguson smiled and said, "This is going to cost you." We can only assume that Ferguson later plucked every new hairplug out of Rooney's head one by one as punishment.

(Getty)

Chelsea held an open training session at Stamford Bridge on Monday, but suffered a scare when John Terry had to be helped off the pitch by first team doctor Eva Carneiro with a pinched Achilles (he was later ruled to be OK and will play against Spurs on Thursday). The following is a transcript of their conversation.

Terry: Ah, my Achilles. I think -- yeah, I think I'm definitely going to need a groin massage.

Carneiro: No. We'll treat your Achilles. You don't need a groin massage.

Terry: I know you're the expert, but I really think I do. I saw a video on the Internet about how groin massages are the best thing for lower leg injuries.

Carneiro: Last time you said the video suggested groin massages for shoulder injuries.

Terry: That was a different video.

Carneiro: No. Nope. It's not necessary.

Terry: But it hurts so bad! It would definitely help.

Carneiro: Why do footballers always think groin massages are the best treatment for everything? Broken ribs? Groin massage. Acid reflux? Groin massage. Stubbed toe? Groin massage. I'm going to have to show you all better treatment techniques.

Terry: Uh...OK. Yes -- yes please do!

Carneiro: On second thought, a groin massage could actually be a beneficial method of treatment for your Achilles.

Terry: Yes! I mean -- yeah. You're probably right.

Carneiro: Alright. We'll give it a try. By the way, have you met the new masseuse we hired? His name is Vlad...

(usehuck.com.br)

The rise of Neymar has been rapid and slathered in hyperbole, making the Club World Cup final the perfect climax for comparisons between the 19-year-old Brazilian and Lionel Messi, as well as suggestions that Neymar might even be better. Except, instead of a showdown between the Ballon d'Or holder and the even younger gun pushed into being his challenger, it was a public flogging. Barcelona beat Santos 4-0 and Messi scored the match's first and last goals.

Neymar, meanwhile, was so anonymous that a publication back in Brazil published a "missing child" poster with his pouting face on its cover. To be even more clear, our friends at Bola Nas Costas explained the match with a handy bit of photoshoppery...

Michael Owen, Dynamo, Wayne Rooney and Tom Cleverley at the stables. (@TheMichaelOwen)

Wayne Rooney and Tom Cleverley, along with a magician called Dynamo, visiting teammate Michael Owen's Manor House Stables on Monday (pictured above), where Rooney's Christmas presents to himself and his wife will be living. No, he's not making prostitutes live in stables -- he bought horses.

From The Mirror:

Coleen [Rooney] is a regular visitor to the Grand National and Wayne is also a fan, so they've now splashed £100,000 on two colts.

They will be kept at United team-mate Michael Owen's stables, where top trainer Tom Dascombe will be tasked with turning them into winners.

Wayne, 26, has named one Tomway after his dad — full name Thomas Wayne Rooney — but it is not yet known what Coleen, 25, has called hers.

Tomway? If anything that name will serve as a flag for the authorities to open up a race fixing probe. There are so many better names Wayne could've gone with. Like "F***ing What" or "Hair We Go" or "Granny" or "Meat." Actually, "F***ing What" is a pretty fantastic name for a

Olimpia beat Rubio Nu on the final day of the Paraguayan Primeria Division clausura to win their first title in 11 years and 39th title since 1912. Scoring the first goal in the 5th minute of the 2-1 win was Maxi Biancucchi -- Lionel Messi's 27-year-old cousin on loan from Cruz Azul.

After controlling the ball with his chest and his back to the goal inside box, Biancucchi pulled off a nice little spinning volley to score his fourth goal in 16 clausura appearances. Though he doesn't exactly score at the same rate as Messi, the 5'5" winger is still known for his family ties. While playing for Flamengo in Brazil, he was given the nickname "O Primo do Messi" (Messi's cousin) because, well, that's what he is.

Devis Mangia and his panettone.

With the hiring of Bortolo Mutti, Palermo have now made 23 managerial changes in the last 10 years (and four in 2011) under crazypants owner Maurizio Zamparini -- a man who makes Roman Abramovich seem patient by comparison.

Making the dismissal of former manager Devis Mangia a bit more memorable than the many others was the fact that the naively optimistic gaffer brought a box of a panettone -- the Italian Christmas bread to his press conference ahead of Palermo's Sicilian derby loss to Catania over the weekend. In Italy, there's a saying that a doomed manager "won't get to eat his panettone," meaning he'll be gone before Christmas. Mangia (whose surname coincidentally means "eat"), thought he was playing a little joke with the press, but he bought his panettone a little too soon. Palermo currently sit 10th in the Serie A table.

Upon removing Mangia and naming his next sacrificial lamb, Zamparini said (via Football Italia):

"I say to the fans to stay calm and have confidence in my