Just a boring piss pot compared to the old First Division trophy. Would not want. (Getty)

I'm Bert Tiddle and you've never heard of me. I nearly came out of retirement to play for Arsenal in 1998 but Martin Keown said he would refuse to play with me since he heard about the time I spent an entire season at Ipswich Town riding my teammates like polo horses during matches. Martin Keown is a numpty.

The Olympics are finally over, which means everyone can stop being so happy all the time and get back to yelling at each other about football. There are still the Paralympics and I assume I would've been asked to captain Team GB there on account of the tragic vending machine accident that cost me my big toe and ended my playing career on the 25th of May, 1992. As well as the other, less tragic vending machine accident on the 17th of October, 1993 that cost me the top part of my index finger but led to a court case that made me my fortune. But I said, "Not having it, love. Whether it's the "O" or "Para" no one cares about any form of 'lympics. If they did, they'd insult the athletes' dead relatives and burn their shirts. That's why I loved being a footballer. Every time the opposing supporters doused my 18 kids in beer I knew they cared." I told this to a lady cab driver and I have no doubt she passed on the message.

Anyway, the new Premier League season is finally here and though the quality of football is obviously inferior since the players now make the kind of money that you used to only be able to get after suing a vending machine firm twice, it's the best we've got so we have to just watch it and complain about it as much as possible.

Now. I hate anyone who predicts things. Weathermen, football pundits, Familyless Frank, who has stood in the park rambling about the Buddha doomsday coming ever since his wife and kids left him -- all raging twunts who should keep their fat gobs shut. That said, here are old Bert's predictions for the new season...

Nike wanted to know just how powerful the trembles Boca Juniors fans produce so they set up seismographs throughout the Estadio San Juan del Bicentenario prior to the Copa Argentina final between Boca and Racing last week. Though the neutral ground only holds a little more than 25,000 people -- far less than the Boca's famously intense La Bombonera (which holds nearly 58,000), Boca fans still got the place shaking and registered a 6.4 on the Richter scale after their side went up 1-0 in the 21st minute.

The fans then hit 6.1 when Boca scored again in the 62nd minute and an anti-climactic 5.8 after the final whistle on their 2-1 win to take the cup.

Of course, it's hard to compare these numbers to earthquakes, which start deep underground and much further away from the measurement devices than Boca fans were. But it makes you wonder what a home crowd at a much larger ground like the Estadio Azteca or Camp Nou would hit.

During the second half of Israel's friendly against Hungary on Wednesday, Israel keeper Dudu Aouate played a game of chicken against Hungary striker Adam Szalai and nobody won. Aouate decided to be proactive with a long ball that could've set Szalai up for a one-v-one and sprinted to the edge of the box to head it away. As soon as he did that, he collided with Szalai, sending him crashing down on face while Szalai took a knee to the throat/chest.

After a bit of treatment, both players were thankfully okay to continue on. Israel found an equalizer in the 80th minute and the match ended 1-1.

This has been the Dirty Tackle of the Day: a chronicling of unfortunate events.

Video via 101gg

It was just a friendly, both sides left out key players and the intimidating Estadio Azteca had a lot of empty seats, but the U.S. still beat Mexico 1-0 for a shocking and historic first ever win in Mexico. In 24 previous matches over the course of a bitter and often violent 75-year rivalry, the U.S.'s best result in Mexico was a 0-0 draw at the Azteca in 1997. Coming off of Mexico's gold medal performance at the Olympics (by an entirely different squad, mind you), this match was supposed to be an informal celebration for the home side, with the London heroes being trotted out at halftime to wave to the crowd. However, the combination of Tim Howard's stellar goalkeeping and Michael Orozco Fiscal's 80th-minute goal for the U.S. spoiled that a bit.

[Related: Tim Howard helps hold off Mexico]

Wednesday night's match was the first friendly played at the Azteca between the two sides -- an odd decision from the Mexican federation. Much of the match floated in a wading pool of apathy with the U.S. weak in attack and Mexico unable to capitalize on their chances. The U.S. relied on Howard and centerbacks Geoff Cameron and Maurice Edu to hold off Mexico both before and after substitutes Brek Shea, Terrance Boyd and Michael Orozco Fiscal combined to surprise the hosts with the match's only goal.

The result was enough to upset the home fans, too. ESPN's commentators had to give their post-match thoughts under the protection of umbrellas as the disgruntled fans above them dumped beer and every other liquid you can imagine down on them. According to Sports Illustrated's Grant Wahl, the few U.S. fans brave enough to attend the match were evacuated before the final whistle.

Though this match in isolation might not mean a whole lot, it's a confidence booster for the U.S. and shows that they actually can overcome the mental blocks that build up over years of failure in Mexico. Combined with a 1-0 friendly win against Italy in Genoa earlier this year, manager Juergen Klinsmann seems to be instilling a new sense of self-confidence in the U.S. that's paying off. While it hasn't translated to consistently beautiful performances yet, it's a start.

UPDATE: Maurice Edu tweeted a picture of the post-match dressing room celebration...

Former U.S. women's team coach Greg Ryan with Hope Solo in 2007. (AP)

Hope Solo has returned home after winning her second Olympic gold medal as a member of the U.S. women's national team, but claims made about the 2007 World Cup fallout in her well-timed new book "Solo: A Memoir of Hope" are diverting attention from her Olympic success. And now former U.S. coach Greg Ryan is denying an allegation Solo makes in the book that he shoved her during a heated meeting where Ryan told her she wouldn't be playing in the team's semifinal against Brazil at that World Cup. The U.S. went on to lose 4-0 with veteran Brianna Scurry in goal. Solo drew sharp criticism from teammates and fans for going on live television after the match and saying,"It was the wrong decision, and I think anyone who knows anything about the game of soccer knows that."

Here's the passage from Solo's book that makes the claim against Ryan (via Business Insider):

"We were both silent. I had nothing left to say so I stood up to leave. Greg leaned over and pushed me back down on the couch.

International friendlies tend to have a more relaxed atmosphere and near the end of 10-man Germany's 3-1 loss to Argentina, we saw that they can have more relaxed security as well. In the 89th minute, a joyous pitch invader jogged out to the center circle without so much as a single steward giving chase. The man was holding something in his hand, but used his free one to shake hands with Leo Messi.

The German crowd cheered when Messi went along with it instead of brushing the guy off as would (and probably should, so as not to encourage anymore invaders) most other footballers. Messi was all smiles as the guy celebrated his personal victory and was then escorted away in rather polite fashion.

Messi had a penalty saved by Germany's backup keeper Marc-Andre ter Stegen when starter Ron-Robert Zieler was sent off in the 30th minute, but made up for it with a goal in the 52nd minute.

UPDATE: Apparently Messi has made a habit of this kind of thing this summer. During a match against Mexico in June, Messi signed an autograph for a young pitch invader (thanks to @fcbfandrivel)...

"Adios, stinkwaffle." -- Arsene Wenger (Getty)

So, Van Persie's gone Manchester City. Or United. Whatever. I honestly don't care. Yes, he scored 40 percent of Arsenal's goals last year, but the rest of the team scored 60 percent. A clear majority. Plus he always used way more towels than one person could possibly need.

I can't tell you how many times other players would come up to me and complain that there were no more towels and every single time Robin would have a giant pile. So have fun with that, Ferguson. You just paid £24 million to lose all your towels. Maybe you'll learn how to run a football club when you're 71.

It's a good thing Van Persie said he wanted to leave this summer because the second he showed up at that first preseason training session with more gray hair than me I was ready to sell him to a KFC. What is that? The guy's 29 years old. Maybe he has some kind of weird aging disorder. It would explain why he used to break his hip on a weekly basis and is now chasing trophies like they're ice cream vans.

Van

Maksim Molokoedov trains with Santiago Morning under the watch of a prison guard. (AP)

In 2010, Russian footballer Maksim Molokoedov was arrested in Santiago, Chile, for attempting to smuggle six kilos of cocaine inside children's books. He was sentenced to three years and one day in prison and though he still has about a year to go on his sentence, he's been granted permission to play for Chilean second-division club Santiago Morning.

Under the watch of a prison guard, the 24-year-old Molokoedov plays with his teammates during the day and returns to his cell at night. Prior to his arrest, he played for Pskov-74 in the Russian second division. Though that was years ago and most people would assume that a prison term for drug smuggling would instantly end any chances at a career as a footballer, Molokoedov's skill and love for the game got him some special attention in the prison yard and prompted an unusual experiment in prisoner rehabilitation and re-assimilation into society.

From the AP:

The miracle came at the rocky prison yard's pickup games. Inmates began offering