(Getty)

Well, you did it, Robin. You helped Manchester United win the title in your first season with the club. You scored a hat trick to finish it off and you did it just in time to force Arsenal to either give you a guard of honor at the Emirates or look as bitter as Alex Ferguson after watching Nani get sent off in the Champions League. Also, it's Man United's 20th title and you wear the No. 20 shirt. That's so cute that I can taste my stomach acids leaking from my nasal passages.

It really couldn't have worked out more perfectly for you if you publicly forced us to sell you to the winningest club in the country. Oh wait, that's pretty much what you did.

By the way, how's that little boy inside you, Robin? The one you said was "screaming for Manchester United." It's been eight months since you said that and it's still the weirdest thing I've ever heard a sober, mentally stable adult say. Still, like all little kids, I can only imagine that you won the league long after he stopped caring

(Getty)

Robert Lewandowski scored all four of Borussia Dortmund's goals in their 4-1 win against Real Madrid in the first leg of their Champions League semifinal. It was obviously a masterful performance, but it was also a record-setting one, too. Lewandowski became the first player to ever score three goals or more against Real Madrid in the Champions League and the first player to score four goals in a European semifinal or final since Ferenc Puskas in 1960, according to STATS. With those four goals, he now has 10 in this Champions League campaign, second only to Ronaldo's 11. What follows is all the information we assume to be true about the Polish international.

-Strange but true: While looking to move away from Polish club Lech Poznan in 2010, Lewandowski canceled a trip to Blackburn because volcanic ash from Iceland grounded all flights at the time. He went on to sign with Dortmund for a fee of €4.5 million. So maybe the whole purpose of that volcanic eruption was to save Lewandowski from the pitch-invading chickens of Blackburn.

-He scored 22 goals in his second Bundesliga season (2011/12) to become the league's third highest scorer behind Klaas-Jan Huntelaar and Mario Gomez. This season, he is the league's top scorer with 23 goals. Rumors that he personally sabotaged the careers of Huntelaar and Gomez using only a fire hose and mind control remain unconfirmed.

-With teammate Mario Gotze already confirmed to be going to Bayern Munich this summer, Lewandowski reportedly also has a deal in place to join the soon to be crowned Bundesliga champions.

-He was named the Polish Revelation of the Year in 2008 and the Polish Player of the Year in 2011 and 2012. He will soon be named Polish Nightmare of the Year by Real Madrid.

-He has made 53 appearances for Poland and scored the first goal of Euro 2012 in their 1-1 draw against Greece.

-His father was a judo champion and played second-division football in Poland. His fiance was a bronze medalist at the 2009 Karate World Cup. Consider that a warning.

-He doesn't like to share his beer.

Jose is watching closely. (Getty)

Borussia Dortmund beat Real Madrid 4-1 to follow up on Bayern Munich's 4-0 win against Barcelona to bring the Champions League semifinal first-leg aggregate score to Germany 8, Spain 1. Since the second legs of each tie will likely be formalities on the way to an all-German final, let's go back take one more whiff of the faint scent of competition before it completely disappears. These are the very best images from Dortmund-Madrid...

(Getty)

The FA has decided to give Liverpool striker Luis Suarez a 10-match ban for biting Chelsea's Branislav Ivanovic during Sunday's match. The incident wasn't seen by the referee at the time, but it was seen by everyone with a television, newspaper or Internet connection so Suarez was forced to swiftly apologize. Before The FA could act, Liverpool fined him £200,000, which was donated to the Hillsborough Family Support Group in an uncomfortable example of roping in a noble cause for PR gain. When The FA did charge Suarez, he accepted it, but said that the standard three-match ban would do him just fine.

That brings us to The FA's statement:

A three-person Independent Regulatory Commission today upheld The FA’s claim that a suspension of three matches was clearly insufficient and the player will serve a further seven first-team matches in addition to the standard three. The suspension begins with immediate effect.

In 2010, Suarez was given a seven-match ban the Dutch Football Federation for

Perhaps anticipating the nightmare Barcelona were about to endure against Bayern Munich, Dani Alves took out his nervous energy on the hair of a young mascot. As the two teams were lined up for the Champions League anthem, Alves became a hair stylist as he tried to make the kid's blond locks stand up in some sort of makeshift mohawk.

The kid just stood there, looking straight ahead with a blank smile on his face that said, "What...uh, what is this guy doing to my head right now?"

Of course, Barcelona went on to lose 4-0, so this should be a lesson to professional footballers everywhere. Nothing good comes from messing with a mascot's hair.

(Getty)

Bayern Munich absolutely dismantled Barcelona in the first leg of their Champions League semifinal, winning 4-0 at the Allianz Arena. Though Barca maintained their trademark possession advantage, Lionel Messi, who is still recovering from a hamstring injury, was rendered mostly irrelevant as Barca only managed four shots with just one on target during the game.

Another round of misleading obituaries for Barcelona is likely to follow this display, but the true takeaway from the match should be what Germany already knows: Bayern, who have been confirmed as this season's domestic champions for weeks now, have reached that transcendent level. To varying degrees of justifiability, Barca can blame the waterlogged center of the pitch, their injury plagued backline and a hobbled Messi daring to go a whole match without scoring eight goals. But if they could, they would still like to erase the entire match from their memory.

The one moment when Barcelona did stick it to Bayern, it was in a very childish way and resulted in Jordi Alba getting the yellow card that will keep him out of the second leg for accumulation. With Barca down 4-0 in the 89th minute, Bayern winger Arjen Robben, who put in a fine performance and scored his team's third goal, was knocked down in an off the ball incident. As he did his signature fetal-position roll, a frustrated Jordi Alba kicked the ball into his back before the ref could blow the whistle. Alba then fetched the errant ball and tossed it off Robben's face to earn a booking (video below).

(Getty)

Following the confirmation that Mario Gotze will move from Borussia Dortmund to Bayern Munich for €37 million this summer and Bayern's 4-0 thrashing of Barcelona in the first leg of their Champions League semifinal, Pep Guardiola has announced that he will coach the German champions from his home in New York next season.

Guardiola, who established himself as Europe's winningest manager during his time with Barcelona, was named Bayern's next boss in January. In the time since, Bayern have clinched the Bundesliga title with a 20-point lead in the table, reached the DFB Pokal final and built up a commanding lead over Barcelona in the Champions League semifinal under outgoing manager Jupp Heynckes. This has prompted many observers to quip that Guardiola, who moved his family to New York City after stepping down from Barca at the end of last season, won't have much to do once he takes over at the club this summer. And it's an opinion that Guardiola himself seems to share.

"I don't think

(Twitter)

In the immediate aftermath of Luis Suarez biting Branislav Ivanovic's arm during Liverpool's match against Chelsea on Sunday, the cosmos aligned when Mike Tyson began following Suarez on Twitter. Tyson became the world's most famous professional athlete to have bitten an opponent when he took a chunk off Evander Holyfield's ear during a match in 1997 and though Suarez has now done it twice, he probably still retains that title.

So how did this widely publicized bit of Internet perfection come about? Tyson was asked about it on North Carolina sports talk radio's The David Glenn Show. Said Tyson (audio here):

"I just sort of got on the the Twitter thing and I said hey, um, this is an interesting guy, let me follow him, check him out, see what his journey's all about. You know, he bit somebody, you know s*** happens, you know what I mean? I'm sure he made amends with his guy, I made amends with Evander, and we go on with our lives."

Though Suarez claimed that Ivanovic accepted his