Up against venerable, beloved franchises of the NFL on TV from Lambeau Field, and up against Ricky Gervais’ savage wit on the Golden Globes, the PGA Tour answered with something riveting of its own:

Johnson Wagner’s mustache.

The relatively unknown player, ranked 198th in the world when he touched down on Oahu, earned his third career win in 140 starts Sunday with a final-round 67 at the Sony Open at Waialea. Wagner – not a bomber, hits it straight, putts well – is not relatively unknown anymore. He’s now “The Guy Who Won While Sporting the ‘Tache That Called to Mind The Late Freddie Prinze, Sr.”

Hey, it beats tying for 39th.

From Tim Finchem’s perspective, it’s just as well we’re focusing on Wagner’s mustache. The 54-hole leader was a guy named Matt Every, who had the distinction of being busted last year and suspended for three months when strong smells of marijuana were found emanating from his hotel room at the John Deere Classic.

Don’t tsk-tsk. Grass might have been invented for

Not to say that the PGA Tour season-opener in Maui caused less of a ripple than a tide pool, but consider the four biggest stories from the week of golf:

1. Johnny Miller and Nick Faldo went head-to-head on The Golf Channel!

2. Hank Haney is writing a tell-all book about Tiger Woods!

3. Tiger Woods, who is the subject of a tell-all book by Hank Haney, will open his PGA Tour season at Pebble Beach!

4. Tim Tebow!

Well, Tebow doesn't play professional golf. But you know what I mean.

Nowhere on that list is actual golf from Kapalua, which doesn't speak well for the buzz created after good guy Steve (The Cheesehead Assassin) Stricker christened 2012 with a visit to the victory circle.

(First digression of 2012: I heard The Golf Channel guys saying the only thing Stricker lacked is a nickname and nearly chucked my remote at the TV. What, they can't read? I am awaiting the apology on Golf Channel letterhead.)

Back to the Cheesehead Assassin. In some ways, it was important Stricker won, since

Would the story of the Presidents Cup be about the good vibes of the Australian crowd – oy! oy! oy! – maybe being the difference? Or maybe about Geoff Ogilvy and Charl Schwartzel growing California Highway Patrol mustaches?

Nope. As always, all storylines from the Presidents Cup must defer to Tiger Woods. It's the natural order of the universe.

The golf gods know this. Which is why, as always, the most important, relevant, gossipy, fascinating and lasting things from Royal Melbourne were about Tiger. It's why they ensured Tiger's point over an overmatched Aaron Baddeley was the clincher for the Yanks, so we could chew on the following topics:

Is Tiger back? Is the golf world fearing him once more? Is Tiger's putter weirdly dysfunctional, as evidenced by poor putting on Saturday? Why, if Tiger is back, was he on the business end of the worst Presidents Cup loss ever – 7 and 6 – with his buddy, Steve Stricker? Why did Tiger putt so well against Baddeley on Sunday? Was it the tip he said

It's official. Bill "Swamp Thing" Haas saved the FedEx Cup playoffs.

Not only did Haas make himself $11.4 million in one day – somewhere on a baseball diamond, Alex Rodriguez felt a stabbing pain of jealousy – he also gave all of us who routinely knock golf balls into water hazards a patron saint.

Saint Bill, patron saint of lost causes in the water. (I'm not sure if there's a patron saint for $11.4 million paydays, but give Tim Finchem time. He may come up with a sponsor.)

While you were watching the NFL on Sunday, Haas and Hunter Mahan engaged in mano-a-mano combat for the whole enchilada. For a cash grab, it was pretty good golf drama: sudden-death playoff, East Lake, Tour Championship, more than $10 mil on the line.

And then Haas' second shot on the 17th hole – the second playoff hole – trickled off the green and into the water hazard. Mahan was safely on in two. Haas was toast. After all, he was supposed to play East Lake; not be in East Lake.

Except: Haas kept his head down,

I'm not saying your 16-year-old kid is a slacker, but Lexi Thompson is 16, and has already played in five U.S. Women's Opens.

Then again, maybe I am saying your 16-year-old kid is a slacker.

Don't feel bad. Lexi does this to everyone. She takes your preconceived notions of what kids can do, and golfers can do, tees 'em high and lets them fly.

We speak of Alexis (Lexi) Thompson, born Feb. 10, 1995, because she took an NFL Sunday – a day of Tom Brady and Mike Vick and Tony Romo – and forced golf into the headlines. This teen queen took a golf day in which the PGA Tour was soggy wet with irrelevance in a Justin Rose-John Senden snoozer of a race to the finish in the snoozer FedEx Cup playoffs at rainy Cog Hill, and shoved the women's game onto the front page.

That's about as easy to do as winning an LPGA event at age 16, which Thompson did on Sunday by cruising past the best women in the world at the Navistar LPGA Classic in Prattville, Ala. Thompson won by five shots, the sort of

As if we weren't reminded enough times by Dan Hicks and Johnny Miller that "it's a new era in golf," imagine the moment at TPC Boston when PGA Tour rules official Mark Russell greeted the two playoff combatants in the FedEx Cup Deutsche Bank Championship with the immortal words: "Chez, meet Webb … Webb, meet Chez."

If we're going to be on a first-name basis with the new crew, just as we were back in the day with Phil, Veej, Big Ern, Retief and some guy named after a zoo animal, we might as well learn the monikers.

In fact, we might be wise to learn even more about James Frederick (Webb) Simpson, and if that name sounds unfamiliar, it's because he's now just plain Winnin' Webb. Two weeks ago, he won at Greensboro for his maiden, in his home state of North Carolina, and we extolled his statistical brilliance (first in all-around ranking on tour) and moaned over his affection, dating back to his college days at Wake Forest, for the belly putter. The belly putter, I fear, is like that

One of the joys of the new, wide-open golf world – a world where none of us had ever heard of Keegan Bradley a year ago and now follow the major champion on Twitter – is the discovery of the Next Big Thing.

No, I speak not of Michelle Wie. This isn't 2003.

I speak of Patrick Cantlay, a 19-year-old as thin as a 4-iron – with a golf resume as fat as a 500cc driver head.

The only thing Cantlay didn't do this summer was win the U.S. Amateur. Instead, he fell, 2-down, on the 36th hole to SMU graduate Kelly Kraft in a dandy of a championship match at Erin Hills (Wisconsin) on Sunday. Too bad, kid. The golf gods have a way of making sure you don't start thinking success in the game is your birthright (ahem, Tiger Woods).

Because Hurricane Irene canceled the PGA Tour FedEx playoff final round at the Barclays in New Jersey, Cantlay and Kraft had the TV spotlight all to themselves. This was a good thing, especially since Cantlay spent all summer making noise though many fans had not had a chance

Forget your Masters fantasy golf pools. Forget spending Father's Day glued to the U.S. Open. Forget those glorious early July mornings with just you, coffee and the British Open on your TV.

It's FedEx Cup playoff time. Woot!

Just like in the NFL, when it's time for Peyton Manning and Tom Brady to lock horns, we get to look forward to Tom Gillis and David Hearn sticking a peg in the ground. Just like in the NBA playoffs, when Kobe and LeBron seize the attention, we have Kevin Chappell and Chris Kirk grappling for glory.

And just like the MLB playoffs, when every pitch in October drips with meaning, we have a race of guys in tailored slacks vying for … $10 million bucks.

Correction: We have guys using belly putters who are vying for $10 million bucks.

A quick digression on belly putters: Like William Wallace taking on the English, I will take on all you emailers who defend the belly putter. You may take my money in a Nassau, but you will never take … my FREEEEEDOOMMMM (to believe a club