"Never sell your hen on a rainy day." – Farmer Folklore

In the instant gratification world of fantasy football, impatient owners develop foolhardy man-crushes that blindly lead them down a road of deceit and deception. Hey, I'm not ashamed to admit inanimate objects have been placed in compromising positions whenever DeAngelo Williams has been uttered in my presence. And you see what my uncontrollable infatuation got me in Week 3. Yep, negative points.

As a die-hard owner in this obsessive little game, it's imperative to remain subjective when a player storms out of the gates like a knight in shining armor. Case in point, Stephen Davis opened 2005 with four touchdowns in his first three games. Where did he finish? That's right, 26th among running backs.

Overrated like Paris Hilton's looks, Krispy Kreme doughnuts and a Kerry Collins deep-ball, here are my top-five fantasy hoodwinks you need to sell high on now before they lead you astray:

5. Michael Vick, Atl
On Monday night an

"Bargain like a gypsy, but pay like a gentleman." – Hungarian Proverb

Fantasy football is a cruel mistress.

Unpredictably, numerous draft day stars have already given fantasy owners the cold shoulder. Just ask the guy in your league who drafted both LaMont Jordan and Randy Moss. Yep, he's the one passed out with his head on the bar.

Given the bewildered state many winless owners are currently in, now is the time to exploit their dimwitted impatience. Dust off that polyester plaid suit and flash a greasy used car salesman smile. It's time to make a deal.

Here are my top-five early season "Stud Steals" that you can acquire for the price of an Aaron Brooks autographed picture:

5. Jake Delhomme, Car, QB
Why? Who cares if Ryan Longwell has more touchdown passes than Delhomme, once Steve Smith returns, so will his trustworthy numbers. Although on pace for 48 sacks, the effectiveness of DeAngelo Williams and Smith's eventual return to the lineup will give Delhomme enough ammo to notch his

"Pro football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners, only survivors."--Frank Gifford

Alarm. Panic. Hysteria. Whatever adjective owners used to describe losing in Week 1, one thing is for certain: Nave fantasy football followers are first week drama queens.

As the famous saying goes, patience is the companion of wisdom. Take a deep breath. Step away from the ledge. And survive. Selling low on a star after one game in order to chase a previously unknown or unproven upstart is fantasy blindness. Be the intelligent owner and avoid hasty moves by sticking to your draft-day guns.

In order to decipher what Week 1 events were fact and what were fiction, here are six concrete opening week observations you can take to the bank.

1. Shaun Alexander misses Steve Hutchinson. The acquisition of Deion Branch will help, but thoughts of 25 or more TDs this season are comical. However, this week "The Great" bounces back with a vengeance against a Cardinals squad he ripped for 313 rushing yards

"Football brings out the sociologist that lurks in some otherwise respectable citizens. They say football is a metaphor for America's sinfulness." – George F. Will

Your carpal tunnel condition has flared up after weeks of exhaustive fantasy research. You've watched endless hours of uneventful preseason football trying to solve the Denver running back riddle. And despite participating in 10 drafts, you can't figure out how to pronounce T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila. Hey, just be thankful you don't have to spell them. Enough with the draft talk and exhibition mumbo jumbo, it's go time. Are you psyched?

For the fantasy faithful, there is nothing more satisfying than the pigskin elation felt every second Sunday in September. In this testosterone-rich rite of passage, owners across the country put on their favorite player jerseys, nestle into that perfectly molded spot on the couch and pound pieces of poultry like Shaun Alexander opposing defensive lines.

Why does the advent

"I want to kiss you." – Joe Namath

Like fantasy football, dating is a game of love, war and living vicariously through the eyes of a 6-foot-5 world champion NFL quarterback.

Last week, a 31-year-old Pennsylvania man was arrested on harassment charges after he impersonated Pittsburgh motorcycle stuntman Ben Roethlisberger to get dates. The funniest part: He was charged with criminal mischief for defacing a $75 Roethlisberger jersey after he attempted to reproduce Big Ben's autograph. Hilarious.

Some would look at the perpetrator's actions as juvenile and pathetic, but, honestly, its pure genius. Think about it. In the rat race world of dating, imitating a wealthy, superstar athlete would send you straight to the Pro Bowl. That is, unless the beautiful baby you were trying to hook up with played fantasy football. See ladies, deterring creeps is yet another benefit of fantasy sports.

The Big Ben impersonator got the gerbil in my mind running. If I were single again, had a little more hair

Since 1996, my friends and I have gone to a fine local establishment about a month before our annual fantasy football draft to draw the draft order. Beer flows. Massive quantities of wings are consumed. Wild late night stories about drunken' lawn-mowing at midnight – don't ask – are told. And in predictable fashion, I get stuck with the tenth pick every friggin' year. Nothing feels worse than that unbearable, empty feeling knowing you have a zero chance at Larry Johnson, Shaun Alexander or LaDainian Tomlinson. Sigh.

If you've experienced a similar pre-draft sob story, there is a solution: the auction. This grass-roots pigskin fantasy revolution is gaining momentum in fantasy circles. Similar to purchasing livestock, antique cars or dates with Carrot Top, auctions are the ultimate utopian experiment where equality is the norm. All it takes is a numbered paddle, a little strategy and a large pair of stones. The best part: Any player is fair game.

How does it work?

Each owner is given a