"Freaks come out at night." – Whodini

Forget about jack-o-lanterns, candy corn and kiddy costumes, Halloween is all about one thing for adults: Attracting members of the opposite sex. When the sun sets on October 31st, conservative soccer moms and college babes across the country are given an excuse to dress as provocative nurses, French maids and, for those Jabba the Huts out there, bikini-clad Princess Leahs. And for those of us that rummage through Internet resources at least an hour per day in search of statistics and injury news, we hope they play fantasy football.

If you're a fantasy guy who has yet to come up with a clever, witty outfit to wear at a ghoulish party, listen to the Noise. Here are my top-five "fantasy fashions" to get a chuckle out of your league-mates and find that vixen who loathes game-time decisions just as much as you.

5. Handfuls of Polamalu
To mock Larry Johnson's WWE takedown from Week 6, find a black curly-haired wig, a Polamalu jersey and entangle a

In 1997, the impossible became reality. It was my third year of playing competitive fantasy football and as commissioner of my local beer and pretzels league, I had a reputation to uphold.

That year, the normally smokin' Pamela Anderson version of Lady Luck morphed into Angela Landsbury, taking out the 3,000-year-old age difference and decreased cup size on my team. Despite having fantasy playboys Barry Sanders and Antonio Freeman on roster, my record stood at 0-6. Unbelievably, every week my lofty totals were bettered by a squad touched by God. College grades plummeted. Gallons of adult beverages were consumed. Sex became less appealing. It seemed nothing could pull me out of my fantasy misery. That is, until the most pompous quarterback in NFL history resurrected my season.

On the brink of selling my team down the river for future draft considerations, something remarkable happened. In Week 2, I plucked a pair of Raiders off waivers, Jeff George and James Jett. Sticking to my draft

"Injuries may be forgiven, but not forgotten." – Aesop

In the world of fantasy football, three things are constant: Goal-line vultures in Atlanta, "Lucifer" Shanahan running back head games and, worst of all, tear-jerker injuries.

Whether it's the tweak of a groin, the pull of a hammy, or the bite of a land shark, injuries are the most unpredictable performance-changing occurrences in fantasy football. There is nothing more horrifying to an owner than a star player befallen by a serious injury. It's devastating. It's season-ruining. And it flat out sucks. Am I right Larry Fitzgerald fans?

With five weeks already in the books, now is the time to auction off a small group of players affectionately known as the "Fragile Five." In order to prevent future headaches and bouts of insomnia, here is who you need to put on the block:

5. Julius Jones, Dal
Notes: Ranked as the seventh-best fantasy back in performance leagues, the "Juice" has not soured this season. However, Marion Barber III

"Success is more a function of consistent common sense than it is of genius." – An Wang

Whether you're talking about NBA superstar LeBron James, nut Michael Jackson or a psychotic looking, yet compassionate, big-headed restaurant mascot who de-cleats Torry Holt every Sunday on my television screen, it's clear, various kings rule over American pop and sports culture.

In fantasy football, kings take on a different, more "consistent" meaning. Each and every month numerous top-flight studs rot on rosters, because their names are not synonymous with Tomlinson, Manning or Harrison. Even though many of these undervalued difference-makers are not considered prodigious by most, they continuously produce serviceable numbers and deserve starting consideration on a weekly basis. It's this type of production that could put a scowl on your competitor's face and make you look like a pigskin genius.

Listed below are my top five unheralded "Kings of Consistency" in performance-based leagues over the

"Never sell your hen on a rainy day." – Farmer Folklore

In the instant gratification world of fantasy football, impatient owners develop foolhardy man-crushes that blindly lead them down a road of deceit and deception. Hey, I'm not ashamed to admit inanimate objects have been placed in compromising positions whenever DeAngelo Williams has been uttered in my presence. And you see what my uncontrollable infatuation got me in Week 3. Yep, negative points.

As a die-hard owner in this obsessive little game, it's imperative to remain subjective when a player storms out of the gates like a knight in shining armor. Case in point, Stephen Davis opened 2005 with four touchdowns in his first three games. Where did he finish? That's right, 26th among running backs.

Overrated like Paris Hilton's looks, Krispy Kreme doughnuts and a Kerry Collins deep-ball, here are my top-five fantasy hoodwinks you need to sell high on now before they lead you astray:

5. Michael Vick, Atl
On Monday night an

"Bargain like a gypsy, but pay like a gentleman." – Hungarian Proverb

Fantasy football is a cruel mistress.

Unpredictably, numerous draft day stars have already given fantasy owners the cold shoulder. Just ask the guy in your league who drafted both LaMont Jordan and Randy Moss. Yep, he's the one passed out with his head on the bar.

Given the bewildered state many winless owners are currently in, now is the time to exploit their dimwitted impatience. Dust off that polyester plaid suit and flash a greasy used car salesman smile. It's time to make a deal.

Here are my top-five early season "Stud Steals" that you can acquire for the price of an Aaron Brooks autographed picture:

5. Jake Delhomme, Car, QB
Why? Who cares if Ryan Longwell has more touchdown passes than Delhomme, once Steve Smith returns, so will his trustworthy numbers. Although on pace for 48 sacks, the effectiveness of DeAngelo Williams and Smith's eventual return to the lineup will give Delhomme enough ammo to notch his

"Pro football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners, only survivors."--Frank Gifford

Alarm. Panic. Hysteria. Whatever adjective owners used to describe losing in Week 1, one thing is for certain: Nave fantasy football followers are first week drama queens.

As the famous saying goes, patience is the companion of wisdom. Take a deep breath. Step away from the ledge. And survive. Selling low on a star after one game in order to chase a previously unknown or unproven upstart is fantasy blindness. Be the intelligent owner and avoid hasty moves by sticking to your draft-day guns.

In order to decipher what Week 1 events were fact and what were fiction, here are six concrete opening week observations you can take to the bank.

1. Shaun Alexander misses Steve Hutchinson. The acquisition of Deion Branch will help, but thoughts of 25 or more TDs this season are comical. However, this week "The Great" bounces back with a vengeance against a Cardinals squad he ripped for 313 rushing yards

"Football brings out the sociologist that lurks in some otherwise respectable citizens. They say football is a metaphor for America's sinfulness." – George F. Will

Your carpal tunnel condition has flared up after weeks of exhaustive fantasy research. You've watched endless hours of uneventful preseason football trying to solve the Denver running back riddle. And despite participating in 10 drafts, you can't figure out how to pronounce T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila. Hey, just be thankful you don't have to spell them. Enough with the draft talk and exhibition mumbo jumbo, it's go time. Are you psyched?

For the fantasy faithful, there is nothing more satisfying than the pigskin elation felt every second Sunday in September. In this testosterone-rich rite of passage, owners across the country put on their favorite player jerseys, nestle into that perfectly molded spot on the couch and pound pieces of poultry like Shaun Alexander opposing defensive lines.

Why does the advent