Watch the Noise, and fellow Yahoo! expert Brandon Funston, answer your pressing lineup questions for a full hour every NFL Sunday on the Emmy nominated webcast "Fantasy Football Live" at 9 AM PT/11 AM CT/Noon ET.

He may not boast the levitation skills of Criss Angel. He probably couldn't restore previously shredded objects into their original state as a means of motivation like Lou Holtz. And he never learned transfiguration techniques from Dumbledore.

But for one magical evening in Dec., 2004, Billy Volek, then a member of the Tennessee Titans, was a gridiron wizard.

It was on that extraordinary night the backup-turned-starter possessed the power of production, nearly saving my forgettable season.

For most of that year, my team was repeatedly dealt seven-deuce. Even with Shaun Alexander on my roster, each week it seemed my opponent's players ingested a cocktail of fantasy steroids, taking out their pimple-faced complexions and fits of rage on the Crunk Juiced Cowbells. Thankfully,

Watch the Noise, and fellow Yahoo! expert Brandon Funston, answer your pressing lineup questions for a full hour every NFL Sunday on the Emmy nominated webcast "Fantasy Football Live" at 9 AM PT/11 AM CT/Noon ET.

He doesn't possess the ability to drive a dimpled white ball 350 yards. His yearly income couldn't rival the gross domestic product of French Polynesia. And the mere mention of his name couldn't move Phil Mickelson and Rory Sabbatini to tears.

But in the realm of virtual football, Antonio Gates is the Tiger Woods of tight ends.

Since trading in his Kent State basketball jersey for a lightning bolt and pads in 2003, Gates has become a fantasy icon. When he entered the league as an undrafted free agent – he had not played organized football since high school – he made a small but noticeable impact, catching 24 passes for 389 yards and two touchdowns.

The following season, under the tutelage of then San Diego tight ends coach Tim Brewster (now head coach at the University of

Watch the Noise, and fellow Yahoo! expert Brandon Funston, answer your pressing lineup questions for a full hour every NFL Sunday on the Emmy nominated webcast "Fantasy Football Live" at 9 AM PT/11 AM CT/Noon ET.

Tomorrow my cholesterol level will rival Mark Mangino's.

The mountainous consumption of turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie and, for those rare few out there, cranberry sauce, is an orgasm of gluttony.

After digesting a week's allotment of fat and calories, I'll veg on the couch, slowly stroke my newly acquired spare tire, attempt to fight off the narcoleptic effects of tryptophan and rehash memorable Turkey Day football moments of yore.

Inevitably, images of Leon Lett's boneheaded "Sleet Bowl" gaffe in 1993 and the magical, drop-jaw moves of Barry Sanders will replay in my cluttered head.

However, neither can hold a pitcher of gravy to my favorite Thanksgiving memory: turducken.

Possibly the byproduct of nuclear fallout or an accomplice in the Barry Bonds steroids

Watch the Noise, and fellow Yahoo! expert Brandon Funston, answer your pressing lineup questions for a full hour every NFL Sunday on the Emmy nominated webcast "Fantasy Football Live" at 9 AM PT/11 AM CT/Noon ET.

Trade in your gas-guzzling SUV for a downsized hybrid coup. Watch "An Inconvenient Truth" a dozen times. And get your grubby little hands on as many Green Bay Packers as possible.

Fantasy owners, it's time to go green.

Sure, they may not be able to reverse sea change, glacial recession on Mount Kilimanjaro or rescue polar bears, but this group of green gods will save the one thing you cherish most, your fantasy reputation.

With the trade deadline looming this week in most Yahoo! leagues the environmentally friendly "Go Green!" catch phrase has become an anthem for playoff-minded owners looking to maximize matchup potential.

Why?

Across the board, Green Bay has a ridiculously friendly fantasy playoff schedule.

From Weeks 14-17 the Packers are matched against four defenses with

Watch the Noise, and fellow Yahoo! expert Brandon Funston, answer your pressing lineup questions for a full hour every NFL Sunday on the Emmy nominated webcast "Fantasy Football Live" at 9am PT/11am CT/Noon ET.

You say you want a revolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world

He may not have a mouthful of lumber like George Washington. His likeness may not be fashionable on T-shirts like Che Guevara. And he may not drive "Little Red Corvettes" like Prince's backing band.

But in the cutthroat world of fantasy football, Tom Brady is a revolutionary.

Brady, on pace to obliterate Peyton Manning's single-season passing touchdown record, has been a one-man fantasy wrecking crew. He has tossed at least three touchdowns in every game this season and has eclipsed 250 passing yards in seven of eight contests. Ironically, his lowest output of the season came in Week 4 when he threw for a lowly 231 yards, three scores and a pick against the shameful Bengals D. Even on that down day, his

Watch the Noise, and fellow Yahoo! experts Brandon Funston and John Murphy, answer your pressing lineup questions for a full hour every NFL Sunday on the Emmy nominated webcast "Fantasy Football Live" at 9 AM PT/11 AM CT/Noon ET.

The invitation reads:

"You're invited to the Big Noise Fang-tastic Halloween Extravaganza. Party starts at 7 pm. Ends when the kegs run dry. Costume contest at 9 pm sharp. Raiders fans feel free to wear normal attire. As always, pants and healthy livers are optional."

As you walk up to the sage-colored house dressed as your favorite fantasy hero, "The Oompah Loompah" Maurice Jones-Drew, you hear the unmistakable beat of Michael Jackson's "Thriller" resonating throughout the entire neighborhood.

Once inside you notice that normally conservative soccer moms are feeding their salacious sides disguised as provocative nurses, French maids and, for the Pacman Joneses in attendance, exotic performers.

Stashed in the corner, you see Brandon Funston guarding the keg as

Watch the Noise, and fellow Yahoo! experts Brandon Funston and John Murphy, answer your pressing lineup questions for a full hour every NFL Sunday on the Emmy nominated webcast "Fantasy Football Live" at 9 AM PT/11 AM CT/Noon ET.

"The Great" has officially become "The Grim."

With the first half of the fantasy regular season almost in the books, it's apparent that the career of the once incomparable gargantuan of our virtual reality sport, Shaun Alexander, is undergoing a major transformation.

And unfortunately for his owners, he's taken up residence in a place where the once-adored-now-nearly-forgotten careers of Bam Morris, Joe Theismann and 90s hip-hop chart-topper Coolio currently live.

Once perceived as the essence of dependability, Alexander has lost his assertiveness, explosiveness and, uncharacteristically, his self-assuring coolness. In Week 7, the normally mild-mannered back, obviously frustrated, exchanged sideline unpleasantries with head coach Mike Holmgren after

Watch the Noise, and fellow Yahoo! experts Brandon Funston and John Murphy, answer your pressing lineup questions for a full hour every NFL Sunday on the Emmy nominated webcast "Fantasy Football Live" at 9 AM PT/11 AM CT/Noon ET.

My liver has already filed for divorce.

And my lips have yet to press against the wide-mouth of an ice cold aluminum can …

For those or you who are unaware, I live in the burgeoning community of Champaign, Illinois, home to one of the world's most prestigious education factories, the University of Illinois. Naturally, as a graduate, my feelings for Fighting Illini football are rabid, vehement and downright obsessive. It's safe to say my affections for Rashard Mendenhall are equivalent to those expressed in this space for Brandon Jacobs. How could 6.5 yards per carry not inspire a man-crush?

After years of unbearable torment, Ron Zook has injected bowl optimism into a program once tainted with ineptitude. At 5-2 overall and 3-1 in Big Ten play, Illinois is in