Owners with outfield vacancies who don't consider Elijah Dukes for employment would be wise to ignore any future incoming text messages with picture attachments.

In his controversial career, Dukes, who graduated summa cum laude from the Milton Bradley College of Anger Mismanagement, has been known more for violent temper tantrums than statistical contributions.

While a top Tampa prospect from 2004-2007 he was suspended an uncountable number of times for altercations ranging from disrespectful comments about the organization to heated verbal and physical exchanges with players and managers.

Away from the diamond, his behavior has been equally destructive. Since 2003, he's been involved in three separate domestic disputes, highlighted by an incident last year in which he forwarded a picture of a handgun to his wife's cell phone with the loving words "You dead dawg," left on a voice mail.

Dukes' villainous acts are definitely not suitable for the "On This Date" section of a vintage Topps

Lying concealed behind San Francisco's thick Pacific fog is a deep, dark fantasy secret of Giant proportions.

And no, it doesn't involve Tim Lincecum, Brandon Funston and recently legalized matrimony.

Actually, the clandestine commodity is another bazooka-armed southpaw who, unlike "The Franchise," most fantasy owners are completely unaware of. Someone so inconspicuous, he's owned in the same number of leagues (0.12 percent) as statistical chinchillas Josh Fogg, Freddie Bynum and former buzz sleeper turned forgettable minor leaguer Josh Barfield.

The potential end-game leviathan lurking in the murky depths of your league's free agent pool is Alex Hinshaw.

Unlike glamour boys Max Scherzer, Clayton Kershaw and Jay Bruce, no glitzy red carpet was unfurled for the Giants reliever when he was recalled from the minors on May 15. Nope, owners with high waiver priorities didn't giddily scurry to their virtual clubhouses to post a claim for Hinshaw's services. But despite the pin-drop quiet

From SoCal to SoFla superstitious major leaguers, both real and fictional, have devised creative ways to combat epic dry spells.

Pedro Cerrano's ritual consisted of appeasing Jobu with finely rolled cigars and Caribbean rum. Ozzie Guillen's team-wide solution was to display inflatable love buddies in the White Sox locker room. While Jason Giambi's remedy entails donning a golden cucumber canopy to cure the woeful 0-fers.

Each player may swear by his own magical succor to buck downward trends, but, as several big leaguers would attest, there's only one true "slump buster:" engaging in salacious relations with an unsightly member of the opposite sex.

For Alex Rios owners, they better hope their star outfielder accidentally bumps into Courtney Love soon.

At 27, historically a supernatural age for many ultra-talented players, the popular third-round choice (ADP: 34.6) was destined to have owners dancing on the sand. Instead, those who sank several dimes into him back in March have drowned

Over the past three weeks, Lance "Big Puma" Berkman's sizzling bat has caused owners to chase the cat.

During that span, the smooth-swinging switch-hitter has entered a dimension paralleled in recent weeks only by Alfonso Soriano and Ryan Braun. The name of this alternate universe: the Fan-sanity Zone.

His numbers since May 1 are unequivocally gaudy: 72 ABs, .500 BA, .571 OBP, 1.502 OPS, 8 HRs, 19 RBI, 24 runs and 5 SB. His historical achievements this month, per Elias Sports Bureau, are equally legendary:

• Became the fifth major leaguer in the post-World War II era to compile 29 hits and seven homers over a 13-game stretch. Chipper Jones (2006), Richard Hidalgo (2000), Ivan Rodriguez (1999), RBI baseball monster Kent Hrbek (1986) and, trivia stumper, Lu Clifton (1962), were the others.
• From May 2-13 his 26 hits in a span of 40 at-bats equaled the most by any player during the expansion era. Rod Carew (1977), Pete Rose (1979), Kenny Lofton (1997) and Hal Morris (1998) also accomplished

He couldn't escape from a straitjacket while suspended from a crane like Harry Houdini. He couldn't make Oprah-crazed soccer moms squirm uncomfortably in their seats like David Blaine. And he never learned Transfiguration techniques at Hogwarts from Dumbledore.

But in spite of his lack of certain illusionary powers, Oakland's Santiago Casilla is a mound magician.

Although widely considered a top-flight prospect by Baseball America, Casilla was a relative unknown from 2000-2005. That's because the documents he carried from the Dominican Republic were, um, slightly doctored.

In an attempt to look more attractive to scouts, Casilla played under an alias to cloak falsities about his age. When he revealed to Oakland management during the spring of '06 that his identity was untruthful, the then 23-year-old Jairo Garcia transformed overnight into 25-year-old Santiago Casilla.

Those are concealment skills Miguel Tejada could admire.

Outside of his age controversy, Casilla showed signs of

If bad things occur in threes, unbearable soul-crushing hell comes in fours.

In a span of nine days, the Noise's Friends and Family squad has gone from a frustrating-to-own band of underachievers to a motley crew of waiver wire nincompoops who find dungeon-dwelling tolerable. The numerous red "NA" and "DL" labels that currently decorate the Y! – Evans roster looks like my team had a violent back-alley encounter with Marvin Harrison.

The carnage began on April 25 when Francisco Liriano was demoted to Triple-A Rochester. Five days later came Troy Tulowitzki's quadriceps tear, followed soon thereafter by news of El Chupacabra's (Yovani Gallardo) torn ACL. And to cap the series of unfortunate events, the most heart-wrenching catastrophe of all occurred May 4 when the Noise's main man-tasy, Rich Hill, was reassigned to Triple-A Iowa after surrendering four walks to the Cardinals in two-thirds of an inning the night before.

The cases of Jose Cuervo consumed on Cinco de Mayo were not

Three-thousand miles of tropical waters separate their homes. Mechanically and physically they're polar opposites. And only one of them fears vicious random attacks by Jacuzzis..

But despite their obvious differences Kerry Wood and Francisco Liriano are linked together by one tragic commonality, Tommy John surgery.

In 1998, Wood's electrifying entrance sent Cubs fans and fantasy players on 56k connections into a tizzy. That season in 166.2 IP, the baby-faced 21-year-old earned NL Rookie of the Year honors finishing 13-6 with a 3.40 ERA and league-best 12.59 K/9, including a historic 20-strikeout destruction of the Houston Astros on May 6, a performance still considered by sabermetric pundits as the most-dominant effort in major league history.

However, Wood's legendary rise to prominence deteriorated as quickly as it began.

The following spring he experienced right elbow soreness attributed to the stressful workloads and high volume of sliders thrown the year before. The devastating

He doesn't currently reside in a post-apocalyptic wasteland where energy resources are in short supply. His name isn't the subject of Tina Turner pop songs about heroes. And he isn't the target of a murderous group of renegade motorcycle enthusiasts who look like Raider Nation castoffs.

But in the sun-drenched Sonoran Desert a real-life "Mad Max," Tucson Sidewinders starter Max Scherzer, is blossoming.

In his very brief professional career, the 6-foot-2, 213-pound former Missouri standout has had an unorthodox journey. Since many scouts questioned his durability and command, he was groomed for future closing duties in the Arizona Fall League last year. However, the Diamondbacks changed direction this spring, opting to keep him in the rotation full-time.

So far, so damn good.

Overshadowed by hyped pitching prospects Clayton Kershaw and David Price, the 23-year-old Scherzer, who creepily has two different colored eyes, has been freakishly spectacular. Through four starts, pitching in the