There's a phrase we found ourselves using a lot while people-watching in the L.A. area last week, and it applies equally well to Fantasy Football '08:

"Those are some useful enhancements."

Imaginary football is back, and we couldn't be happier. New to the game this year are a variety of keeper-specific improvements, designed to ensure that we capture all of your discretionary resources until the end of time give you the best possible user experience. Commissioners will find that they have a great deal more flexibility, and owners will notice that they suddenly have several new tools at their disposal.

Some of these tools, like percent-owned and started information, are strategically useful; other tools, like our smack-talk enhancements, are designed to escalate hostilities in your league to the brink of violent conflict.

The draft room experience has also been improved. One of the bullets underneath "New Live Draft App" on the game's propaganda page says, "Don't miss a turn with our

Fear not, owners of Kenji Johjima and Adrian Beltre. Help has arrived. Your underperformers have a new hitting coach: Jeff Pentland is out, and Lee Elia is in.

If Elia's hopes for the team could be summed up in a single sentence, it might be this:

I'll tell you one (expletive) thing, I hope we get (expletive) hotter than (expletive), just to stuff it up them 3,000 (expletive) people that show up every (expletive) day.

We wish him well. My fantasy portfolio has been largely purged of Mariners, though.

Seattle GM Bill Bavasi said the following:

"We have consistently, and for an extended period, underperformed at the plate and we are hopeful that a different voice might help the situation.''

Elia is certainly a different voice:

"In everything in life, sometimes change is better,'' he said. "Sometimes you make an omelette in a baggie and put it in boiling water and it comes out just as juicy and even better than if you fry it.''

Indeed. We eagerly await a better, juicier Richie Sexson.

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Milton Bradley just hit his sixth home run of the month, which is noteworthy because he did it on the month's seventh day.

Not only has Bradley homered in five of his last seven games, he's also scored at least one run (usually two) in every game so far in June, and he has 12 RBIs.

So far this season, however, the important split stats for Bradley aren't necessarily his month-by-month performance. Instead, they're his home and away numbers. This is what they looked like heading into Saturday's game:

Home -- 91 AB, 11 HR, .385/.496/.824

Away -- 105 AB, 2 HR, .295/.411/.457

Texas has been a terrific run-scoring environment so far this season. Bradley's teammate Josh Hamilton has enjoyed the pleasures of Arlington as much as anyone:

Home -- 124 AB, 11 HR, .363/.403/.726

Away -- 131 AB, 6 HR, .282/.336/.496

Michael Young and Ian Kinsler have been more productive at home as well. Don't you sort of wish none of them would ever leave Texas? Unfortunately, after Sunday's game the Rangers

We need to tie up a few threads that were left dangling in last night's Closing Time.

First of all, the suspensions. This is just in from the Boston Globe:

Three Red Sox players have been suspended by Major League Baseball for their roles in last night's brawl against the Tampa Bay Rays. Coco Crisp has been suspended for 7 games, Jon Lester for 5 games, and Sean Casey for 3 games.

No huge surprises there. Apparently Casey took some liberties with James Shields at the bottom of a very large pileup.

It's worse for the Rays and their fantasy owners:

James Shields was suspended for six games, Jonny Gomes and Edwin Jackson for five each, Carl Crawford for four games and Akinori Iwamura for three.

If somehow this results in Evan Longoria gaining shortstop eligibility, it will all be worth it. For me.

Jacoby Ellsbury's wrist injury does not sound as serious as first feared, and the Globe's Gordon Edes reports that he could be available to pinch-run. Manny Ramirez tweaked a knee and he's not

Today, we begin with an email:

I know who Jay Bruce is. He's been knocking the crap out of everything white with red seams that comes close to him. He's doing an impression of Xavier Nady in April but much better. The problem? I didn't add him ... So for me and the other 90 - 92% (depending on your league size) of fantasy players who didn't get Bruce, the Second Half Performer Pick-up Derby starts now. We need some advice Behrens. Maybe it could be a recurring column called "Kryptonite for Bruce" where you hopefully give us some insight into some fantasy duds and slow starters who might be primed for a breakout.

That's from Steve in San Francisco. It's a variant of a question we receive with great frequency: "Who's the next Jay Bruce/Ryan Braun?" As if there's just a long line of minor leaguers who could immediately hit .330-plus in the majors, were they not blocked by, say, Corey Patterson.

This is clearly an essential question. Mid-season waiver adds can decide fantasy titles, as

As with most significant baseball fights, today's Rays-Red Sox bench-clearer has a backstory.

On Wednesday, Coco Crisp went into second unnecessarily hard on a stolen base attempt, colliding with Akinori Iwamura. That displeased Rays' manager Joe Maddon, who later said, "I totally felt it was an intent to hurt our middle infielder."

Maddon and Crisp exchanged words. Crisp described his side of the discussion this way:

"I don’t know if he could hear what I was saying, but basically I was saying I did that on my own, don’t punish anyone else on the team. Don’t get Petey (Dustin Pedroia), don’t get (Julio) Lugo, don’t get AC (Alex Cora) sliding hard at second base. Get me with a pitch. If you want to retaliate with somebody, I’m the man."

So basically, he asked to get drilled.

On Thursday, James Shields accommodated him, hitting Crisp on the thigh to leadoff the second inning. As retaliatory HBPs go, it actually wasn't too severe.

But Coco will take no (expletive) from any Ray, even when

After yesterday's unfortunate John Smoltz news, it appears that Colorado's Taylor Buchholz is the last best hope to emerge as a closer with SP eligibility.

Thus, the following note from the Denver Post is most unwelcome:

It's hard to imagine this trip could have gone any worse, but Taylor Buchholz was unavailable Sunday and Monday because of shoulder stiffness. Buchholz has been the Rockies' most effective reliever.

"I went through this last year around the all-star break," Buchholz said. "I should be fine."

Buchholz pitched a perfect eighth inning on Tuesday, striking out two Dodgers in the process.

The 26-year-old right-hander has been brilliant this season: 1.72 ERA, 0.83 WHIP, 25 K in 31.1 innings. He's clearly next in line to close if/when Brian Fuentes is traded, which makes him an excellent speculative add right now. Buchholz is available in 91.9 percent of Yahoo! leagues.

(H/T: Holt Doggy Dogg).

Let's just say that the publication of this Closing Time -- now, tonight, under circumstances that will not be discussed -- is the most heroic act in the history of fantasy sports.

Please enjoy the bullets...

• The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports the following:

(John) Smoltz will have season-ending shoulder surgery Tuesday in Birmingham, Ala., and said he'll do all that he can to pitch again. But he also realizes his distinguished career could be over.

"I'm 41. I still love to compete," Smoltz said to a room packed with reporters and TV cameras Wednesday morning at Turner Field. "I would retire if the desire is gone in five or six months. I'm not there yet. Not there emotionally. Physically would be the one thing to be determined."

Terrible news for Smoltz owners, who obviously reacted by mass-dropping their sixth round pick. Let's not forgot those 20 strikeouts over 12 innings in mid-April, back when Smoltz was only 40.

• In an utterly lost season for the 21-39 Mariners, Jose